


New York’s Best City Correspondent  / How To Succeed As A City Correspondent - (Without Having To Try Too Hard)

by northvillehigh



Category: Bill Hader - Fandom, John Mulaney - Fandom, Saturday Night Live
Genre: Happy Ending, Mocumentary, Seth Meyers - Freeform, john mulaney is there too, kinda like the office but with stefon, lorne michaels john mulaney bill hader pls don’t sue us, my best friend got me into stefon bits and this was the outcome, quarantine project, screenplay, snl, stefon canonically trash can hops, stefon meyers - Freeform, stefon zolesky - Freeform, talks about drugs/alcohol, talks about internalized homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:36:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25886695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northvillehigh/pseuds/northvillehigh
Summary: Stefon Zolesky is your average twenty thirty something year old- except he’s not at all average. The man is constantly drunk, high, and getting into trouble. Living in trash cans and eating in hotels, Stefon believes he’s living his absolute best life. However, as a co host on Weekend Update- an SNL bit, his co host, Seth Meyers, checks out as the most average person on the planet.A weird doc crew is sent into the studio, in charge of making an entertaining documentary. The crew searched far and wide for some semblance of an interesting topic to cover, and finally settle on the city correspondent- none other than Stefon.Little to no information is pulled from Stefon or Seth, and Stefon eventually goes missing before a show. Seth is told to find him, and, once he does- at a sleazy club, no less -he finds out Weekend Update is in jeaprody, if not their whole show. Because of this, Stefon is fired.Seth Meyers has to set out to bring order back to the show- and to get Stefon back, all while learning a bit about himself and the city correspondent in the process.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	New York’s Best City Correspondent  / How To Succeed As A City Correspondent - (Without Having To Try Too Hard)

Note, this work is completely fan-made. We do not own any of the characters in this script. Inspired by works by John Mulaney and Bill Hader.

(STEFON’s voice over is heard over a few cuts of him getting ready. I.E., brushing his hair, putting on each individual ring, layering his clothes, etc. Much like a traditional documentary, the camera movements and cuts are slow. STEFON pushes some hair from his eyes before the camera moves to his gold-studded boots, showing him walk to a studio door, pushing it open.)  
STEFON:  
(Voiceover.)  
Well, my name is Stefon Zolesky. I’m twenty…  
(He mumbles the last bit.)  
Thirty…   
(He mumbles off again.)  
I was born.  
(The camera now shows STEFON. He’s standing in front of the studio door, being interviewed. He almost disassociates for a moment, wiping his nose, then his sniffles before “snapping back to reality”.)  
I’m pretty sure I was. Think I cut my own tentacle feeler.

CAMERAMAN:  
Your own… what?

STEFON:  
The little food chord. Chopped it right off clean.  
(There’s an uncomfortable silence; a cameraman/someone offscreen clears their throat. STEFON smiles directly at the camera. We see a man hurry by, buttoning his jacket.)  
Anyway, more about me, uhm…  
(A beat, he scratches his chin, folding his hands.)  
I feel like I’m being interrogated. I’m usually pretty good at answering questions fast.

CAMERAMAN:  
Why’s that, Stefon?

(STEFON looks directly at that camera, folding his hands in front of his mouth before letting his hands slide off of his face.)

STEFON:  
My manager said I wasn’t allowed to talk about that.

(There are a few murmures behind the camera, until someone speaks up.)

CREW MEMBER:  
Stefon, can you just… answer the question?  
(A beat.)  
We talked about this.

CAMERAMAN:  
Okay, let’s- we’ll cut that out in post, uh- Stefon, how you landed the gig as the city correspondent. That’s all we need right now.  
(A beat. The scene cuts to the CAMERAMAN being interviewed in front of a dressing room with no name plate.)  
Uh, our job is to make the doc about the more… unconventional cast of the- uh- production and company. So far, the only interesting content we have is the dialogue with Stefon. Uh- other than that, we’re pretty clueless at the moment. But- but it’s fine; we have post-production for a reason, right?  
(A beat.)  
Right?  
(The scene cuts back to STEFON’s interview.)

STEFON:  
Oh, it’s such a long story, you hunk.  
(He smiles at the camera, and we can tell the CAMERAMAN physically recoils.)  
Besides, how boring would it be if I revealed all my secrets so early? So… easily. 

(A man hurries by, buttoning his jacket, he smiles awkwardly at the camera before turning his attention to STEFON.)

SETH:  
(In a hurry, but still polite.)  
Excuse me, sorry. We’re on in five, Stefon. 

(SETH pushes past with an “excuse me”, and STEFON follows him with his eyes, doing that weird lip biting/tongue thing. He then looks at the camera.)

STEFON:  
How did I get the job? That’s what you want to know?  
(A beat. He moves a strand of his hair, and there’s another murmur from the crew.)  
Like I said, it’s a real long story, gentlemen. Oh, and ladies, of course. I started a few months ago… and, after my movie pitch, maybe I was just a natural.  
(He smiles once again, pushing the studio door open with his back.)  
Or maybe I just look good on camera.  
(He leaves through the studio door.)

(The camera cuts to what seems to be after the show, some cheers being heard from outside the studio door. The cameraman goes to a door with a nameplate on it that reads “SETH MEYERS”. The cameraman knocks.)

SETH:  
Come in!  
(The crew enters. SETH is packing a few things in his bag, but smiles, nodding at the camera nonetheless.)  
Oh, hi guys. What’s up?

CAMERAMAN:  
Nothing, nothing, we just wanted to get a… and interview, of sorts. Ask you a few questions.

SETH:  
(Adjusting his tie.)  
Oh, sure. Yes, of course.  
(A beat.)  
Kind of weird that you guys chose a silly night show to be a topic of a documentary. Very weird, actually. No offense.

CAMERAMAN:  
The producers said it would be cool to have a more… raw look into a night entertainment show. We just record what they want, edit what they want, you know the drill.  
(A beat.)  
And it’s our job to get a little more information on some of the more… unconventional characters of the show. So… if you know anything?

SETH:  
I mean, I guess I do. There’s not much to know, though.  
(A beat. He continues packing his bag.)  
I’ve worked on the TV scene for awhile now, uh, so- I’m well aware of what they want.

CAMERAMAN:  
Of course. 

SETH:  
So, how much have you guys been recording? 

CAMERAMAN:  
As much as we can, really. 

SETH:  
What do you mean by that? Are you recording right now?

CAMERAMAN:  
Oh, yeah, but- we’ll edit all of this out in post-production. We wouldn’t put anything in there that would be upsetting or defame anyone in anyway. Unless the footage gets lost or in the wrong hands, that won’t happen, so you don’t have to worry about that.

SETH:  
I see.   
(A beat.)  
What were those questions you wanted to ask me?

CAMERAMAN:  
Oh, right. Just some basic questions about-

(The door is knocked on briefly before flung wide open, whoever is on the other side not waiting for a response. The CAMERAMAN turns to show who is at the door; it’s STEFON.)

SETH:  
Stefon? I thought you went home.

(Note, the CAMERAMAN turns to whoever is speaking at that moment.)

STEFON:  
(Fixing his hair.)  
No, no, no. I wanted to ask you something. I didn’t know you had company, Seth Meyers.

(SETH runs a hand over his face, hands going to his pockets. He nods.)

SETH:  
No, yeah, they just needed to ask me something for the doc. 

STEFON:  
(Running his hands over his face.)  
I see, I see.

SETH:  
What do you need?

STEFON:  
Well, it’s more-so an experiment, if you will, Seth Meyers. 

SETH:  
Oh? What do you mean?

STEFON:  
I’ve decided the weekend update bit needs more interesting headlines, Seth Meyers. You certainly aren’t the most interesting character.

(SETH blinks at that.)

SETH:  
… Oh?

STEFON:  
Yes, yes, yes, so, I’ve decided to go around New York and find the absolute cream of the crop- something substantial to hold our segment together, Seth Meyers.

SETH:  
I thought your ideas were… Original, Stefon.

STEFON:  
Oh… thank you, Seth Meyers…   
(He pushes his hair behind his ear, he smiles, and SETH physically cringes.) 

SETH:  
Er… no problem, Stefon.  
(A beat.)  
I’d really like to, believe me, there is nothing I’d like to do more on a night like this than go around to sketchy clubs in New York-

STEFON:  
(Interrupting him.)  
Mhm, yes.

SETH:  
Uh- yeah, believe me, I’d love to, but… I’ve got plans for tonight already.

STEFON:  
Don’t take this the wrong way, Seth Meyers, but what would you be doing tonight?  
(A beat.)  
I mean, look at you. If you were a spice, you’d be flour.   
(Another beat. The CAMERAMAN pans to SETH, who simply blinks, mouth open as he nods. The camera pans back to STEFON.)  
I’m sorry, but I’m not wrong. Just look at that suit.

SETH:  
I like my suit. 

STEFON:  
Of course you do.

(SETH’s voiceover is heard for a moment before it pans to SETH outside of the studio door, bag slung over his shoulder.)

SETH:  
Stefon? He’s… an interesting co-worker, to say the least.  
(He scratches his chin.)  
I mean, he’s not a bad guy. Some of his decisions, however, are…   
(The camera cuts to STEFON slipping a plastic baggy into his own bag. He wipes his nose again, shaking his head. The camera cuts back to SETH.)  
Questionable.

(The scene cuts to SETH leaving the studio, walking outside. STEFON seems to hurry right before the door closes. SETH quickly walks backwards, grabbing the door handle, holding it for STEFON. They part their own ways, SETH going to his car, and STEFON stays in front of the building. He goes to the back of the building, pulling out a flip phone. He smiles a bit, flipping it closed after checking the time. He pulls a ring of keys out of his pocket with a shrug, swinging them around his fingers. STEFON notices the camera, gesturing for them to come closer. The cameramen and crew hurry over to him.)

STEFON:  
The keys? No, no, no, they’re not Seth Meyers’. Not all of them, at least. I collect them from around the studio. He had a spare key to his apartment, and left it on the weekend update desk.

(He smiles. The scene cuts to SETH getting in his car. He checks his key-ring.)

SETH:  
Huh. Must’ve left my spare house key in the studio.  
(He shrugs, getting in the car, the camera watching him drive off. The camera cuts to the opening sequence.)

(The camera comes up at the front of an apartment door. SETH opens the door, looking like he’s simply leaving for work.)

SETH:  
Oh- shit.  
(A beat. He puts a hand over his heart.)  
You guys startled me. I wasn’t expecting you guys to be… at my apartment. Wait, how do you know where I live? 

CAMERAMAN:  
It was on your file, no biggie.   
(A beat. The crew follows SETH as he makes sure his door is locked. He nods, walking to the elevator. He presses the elevator’s button.)  
So, Seth, what’s on the agenda for today?

SETH:  
Again, it seems kind of silly for you to do a documentary for a once-a-week show, doesn’t it? I mean, even if you want it about the more… unorthodox people we work with.   
(A beat.)  
I don’t do anything interesting on Sundays; not really. I think I’m gonna get some coffee this morning, uh, I brought my laptop. Might write a little bit, I don’t know.  
(Another beat.)  
Maybe you should check up on Stefon today. He went to some shady places last night, I’m guessing. If you really want some kind of entertainment, talk to him.   
(The elevator opens, and SETH steps inside.)  
Excuse me.  
(The door closes, and there’s a collective sigh from behind the camera.)

CAMERAMAN:  
There’s no address listed for Stefon, and- and, even if there was, he’s probably high on the road.

BOOM GUY:  
Hey, come on. That’s a bit of a broad generalization.

CAMERAMAN:  
I’m not wrong. That guy is insane.

CREW MEMBER:  
I’d be careful if you’re still rolling there, man. 

CAMERAMAN:  
They’ll edit it out in post. In any event, this is what they want, right? Stefon is the best person to find some information out about, yeah?  
(A beat, almost as if the CAMERAMAN is seeking some kind of affirmation.)   
God- fine. Whatever. Let’s go find Stefon.

(The camera goes down, and the screen goes black, as if the CAMERAMAN stopped filming.)

(The camera comes up on a nice neighborhood, and it shows a nice house. There are a few birds chirping, the sun shining brightly on the house.)

CREW MEMBER:  
There’s no way that Stefon lives here.

(The CAMERAMAN kicks a trashcan in front of the house, letting it topple over. Trash spills out. There’s a few rumbles of “come on, dude”, “what the hell?!”, etc.)

CAMERAMAN:  
Hold on.

(He kicks over the next trash can. It topples over, and the lid opens. STEFON slips out with a grunt.)

STEFON:  
Jesus Christ.  
(He runs a hand over his forehead, shielding his eyes.)

BOOM GUY:  
Stefon? What the hell are you doing in a trash can?

STEFON:  
Can’t I get one night away from the paps? I mean, geez, I just needed a good night’s sleep.  
(He sits up after shifting his way out of the can. He flattens his clothes, fixes his hair, wipes his nose, then clears his throat. He shakes his head.)  
It’s really bright out here. What time is it?

CAMERAMAN:  
Uh, around 10:30?

STEFON:  
In the morning?

CAMERAMAN:  
… Yes?

STEFON:  
Of course it is.  
(He pulls out his flip phone, opens it, and reads something. He rolls his eyes, flicking it shut after a moment.)

CAMERAMAN:  
What’d that say, Stefon?

STEFON:  
Ugh, nothing important.  
(He stretches and yawns.)  
Mm. I might go down to the Holiday Inn in town, maybe grab some breakfast there. You’re welcome to join me.

CAMERAMAN:  
You’re just gonna- alright. Sure, yeah. 

(STEFON walks away from the house, the camera crew following him. The camera pans to the front door, however. There’s a woman with a baby on her hip as she opens the door. She notices the trash cans and groans.)

WOMAN:  
(Shouting to what can be inferred as her husband.)  
Honey, that emo racoon man was in our trash again last night!

(She closes the door.)  
(The scene cuts to the lobby of a hotel, and STEFON is standing in line for the waffle maker.)

STEFON:  
I make do around here, fellas. It’s not that hard.  
(He goes for his turn, taking a few waffles from the stack, two muffins, and one of the small packages of cereal. He takes a juicebox as well.)  
I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. It’s not just a lifestyle; I think of it as a competition.  
(STEFON sits down at a table. He stabs the straw into the juicebox, taking a sip. He makes an obnoxious “refreshed” noise, smiling. He fixes his hair.)  
And I’m winning!

(The camera pans over to a man eating breakfast. It zooms in on him, and he runs a napkin over his mouth. The cameraman appears to have gotten enough of STEFON for a moment, lowering the camera. We only hear the cameraman murmuring, the camera showing the floor.)

CAMERAMAN:  
This guy’s eyeing me up.

PRODUCER:  
I don’t think it’s you he’s eyeing up. I think it’s Stefon.

CAMERAMAN:  
You think they know each other?

PRODUCER:  
Uh… That guy looks too… normal. Doesn’t look like he’d be a part of Stefon’s… “clique”, if you will.

CAMERAMAN:  
There’s no way Stefon has a clique.

PRODUCER:  
Go find out.

CAMERAMAN:  
Huh?

PRODUCER:  
You heard me. Go find out if he knows Stefon.

CAMERAMAN:  
What? Why would they-

PRODUCER:  
You’ve been here, we’ve got absolutely nothing on this Stefon guy. And Seth isn’t doing us any favors in content, either. 

CAMERAMAN:  
You’re saying we use this random stranger to make our doc more interesting?

PRODUCER:  
This is my livelihood, man. This is all I have. If I don’t crank out the best fuckin’ documentary, it’s over for me, do you understand?  
(A beat. The PRODUCER’s voice gets quieter.)  
If I go under, we all go under. You, Dan, the boom guy-

CAMERAMAN:  
I thought… I thought the boom guy was Dan.

PRODUCER:  
Shit, is he?

CAMERAMAN:  
Ask for him, see if the boom guy comes instead.

PRODUCER:  
Hey, Dan, can you come here?

(We hear footsteps.)

DAN:  
What’s up?

PRODUCER:  
Oh, sorry, nevermind, no.

DAN:  
Oh, you didn’t need anything?

PRODUCER:  
No, no, sorry. I’m good.

DAN:  
I could get you some… some coffee?

PRODUCER:  
No, I’m good. Thank you, Dan.   
(DAN walks away.)  
Okay, so he’s not the boom guy… uh… 

CAMERAMAN:  
He’s a nice kid.

PRODUCER:  
Yeah, he’s good. Real good. He does good work.  
(A beat.)  
What was I saying?

CAMERAMAN:  
Us losing our jobs?

PRODUCER:  
Right, yeah. If this isn’t the best documentary New York has ever seen, we’re done for, okay? And- and I’m not saying that to scare you, dude. I’m saying that as a friend, a co-worker… it’s a warning. We’re both on the chopping block currently, okay? Just… Trust the process, go talk to that guy, and see if we can milk any information out of him, okay?

CAMERAMAN:  
Okay, yeah. Sure.

PRODUCER:  
You got it?

CAMERAMAN:  
Yes, I got it. I understand, yeah.

PRODUCER:  
Good. Go talk to him.  
(The CAMERAMAN walks over to the table the man is sitting at, the camera still showing the ground. He sits at the table.)

CAMERAMAN:  
Hey, dude.

MAN:  
Hello, uh, you guys filming… a movie?

CAMERAMAN:  
Uh, no, no; a documentary.

MAN:  
About what?

CAMERAMAN:  
Well, you see, we were supposed to do one behind the scenes of, uh, the weekend update people; Seth Meyers and-

MAN:  
That guy over there?

CAMERAMAN:  
You know him?

MAN:  
Yeah, yeah, I do.

CAMERAMAN:  
Wait, actually?

MAN:  
Yeah, uh, I sometimes help out on the show. Writing just… basic stuff. I do my own thing, but…  
(He points at STEFON vaguely, then scratches his chin.)  
That guy? That’s Stefon. I know Stefon.

CAMERAMAN:  
Would you mind if I asked you a few questions for the doc?

MAN:  
Oh, God, uh- I don’t know if it’d be-

(The cameraman lifts the camera above the table, though, showing the man to be JOHN MULANEY.)

CAMERAMAN:  
Just a few questions. What’s your name?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Wait, you don’t know who I am?

CAMERAMAN:  
You have a very unique facial structure. Must’ve ran into you on the street before.

JOHN MULANEY:  
From the street. You know me… from passing… on the street?

CAMERAMAN:  
That makes sense.  
(A beat.)  
Actually, no. I think I’ve seen you somewhere else.

JOHN MULANEY:  
… Netflix?-

CAMERAMAN:  
(Interrupting him.)  
School.  
(A beat.)  
Where’d you graduate from?

JOHN MULANEY:  
I went to Georgetown University for college, but I don’t think-

CAMERAMAN:  
No, no, that’s not where I know you from. 

(JOHN MULANEY nods slowly.)  
JOHN MULANEY:  
Okay, can you just- can you just ask me whatever questions you need?

CAMERAMAN:  
Well, where did Stefon start, if you know?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Oh, God. It was years ago.  
(He takes a sip of his coffee. The scene cuts to a busy studio, a stage manager announcing “Ten minutes until showtime! Ten minutes! Thank you!” JOHN MULANEY narrates.)  
It was a really busy night. We had a bunch of stuff lined up, a lot of stuff I had written that I was… really excited about…   
(The camera cuts to SETH’s dressing room, the same from earlier, but it’s a bit tidier. He’s checking his watch, looking around. There’s a knock at his door, and an older man sticks his head in. It’s none other than LORNE MICHAELS)

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Hey, Seth. Uh- don’t freak out, but-

SETH:  
Where is he?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
About that, uh… We’re not sure if your guest host is gonna be able to make it.

SETH:  
What?!

LORNE MICHAELS:  
But- but it’s alright. We have some people making a few calls, so… don’t worry about it. Everything is under control.

SETH:  
We’re on in ten, I just… I always feel like I’m given the shortest end of any possible stick. Constantly.

(SETH runs a hand over his face.)

LORNE MICHAELS:  
I know, and- and I know how unfair it is to you, okay? I understand. We’ll find someone ASAP, Seth.

SETH:  
What are we gonna do, find someone off of the street?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
(A lightbulb seems to go off in LORNE MICHAELS’ head.)  
Seth Meyers, you are a genius!

SETH:  
I… what?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
The guy from the movie pitch, Seth!

SETH:  
David?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Don’t take this the wrong way, Seth, but you and Dave in the same room would be the most boring twenty minutes of my entire life.  
(SETH is taken aback by this comment. LORNE MICHAELS’ simply continues speaking.)  
No, no, his brother. We’ve gotta find him quick. 

(The camera pans back to real time, to JOHN MULANEY’s interview. He has folded napkins to make “people”, using creamers and butter containers as tables and props. He holds two folded, tent napkins in his hand, shaking the one in his right hand as he mimics the voice of LORNE MICHAELS.)

JOHN MULANEY:  
We’ll send Mulaney to find him!  
(JOHN MULANEY puts the napkins down, hands dropping onto the table.)  
And they did. They sent me onto the freezing New York street to find Stefon.

CAMERAMAN:  
Well, did you find him?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Yeah, I found him, but… It wasn’t that easy to get him back to the studio.

(JOHN MULANEY picks up another napkin, folding it. He crams it into his juicebox, picking up a second napkin, folding it into a tent like figure, making it hop across the table to the juicebox. The scene fades into JOHN MULANEY walking down the streets of New York. He passes by a trash can, where STEFON sticks his head out.)

STEFON:  
(Startling JOHN MULANEY.)  
Well, well, well, if it isn’t John Mulaney.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Oh, Christ- you’re just who I needed to see. Listen, I can’t explain, but I need you back at the studio in, like, two minutes.

STEFON:  
Oh, really? Since when did you need me around, John Mulaney. You seemed quite adamant about me leaving the studio the last time I was there.

JOHN MULANEY:  
It wasn’t my decision, Stefon, you know that. You shouldn’t shoot the messenger.

STEFON:  
I’ll shoot whoever I please, John Mulaney!  
(He spits, and JOHN MULANEY cringes.)  
Get lost, and, more importantly, leave me the hell alone.

(STEFON goes to cover the top of the trash can with the lid.)

JOHN MULANEY:  
Wait- wait! Stefon, come on.  
(A beat.)  
They really need you.

STEFON:  
For what?

JOHN MULANEY:  
I… We were supposed to have someone guest star on the weekend update bit, but… They cancelled.

STEFON:  
I see. I’m your back-up plan.

JOHN MULANEY:  
No- well, yeah, but- it’s not like that.  
(A beat.)  
You have some good ideas, Stefon.

STEFON:  
Well, I am New York’s city correspondent.

JOHN MULANEY:  
I don’t… I don’t think that’s true, Stefon.

STEFON:  
No, it is.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Will you just… do this one thing? Just once. Please, Stefon.

STEFON:  
(After a beat.)  
Did they… Did they really ask… for me?

JOHN MULANEY:  
By name.

(STEFON looks at JOHN MULANEY, then around the street.)

STEFON:  
Knock my can over.

JOHN MULANEY:  
What?

STEFON:  
Just… kick my can over so I can get out.

(JOHN MULANEY awkwardly kicks the can over. STEFON falls down, crawling from the can. The scene cuts back to JOHN MULANEY at the table, the juicebox now fallen over, him now holding both of the tent napkins. He puts them down.)

JOHN MULANEY:  
And that’s how Stefon became the official city correspondent.

CAMERAMAN:  
Wait, wait, you found him in a trashcan?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Yeah. I think he chooses them, though.

CAMERAMAN:  
What?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Yeah; I just think he likes it. He totally works at a Starbucks or something on the side. He seems like the type.

CAMERAMAN:  
The type to… work a minimum wage job and live in a trash can- for fun?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Have you met some of the people around here?  
(A beat.)  
I’ve never felt scared in New York; compared to LA? It’s nothing. But some of the people just… rub me the wrong way.

CAMERAMAN:  
Is Stefon one of those people?

JOHN MULANEY:  
I don’t know. He’s not… Not a bad guy, per-say.  
(The camera unfocuses on JOHN MULANEY, and focuses on STEFON in the background. The cameraman zooms in on STEFON picking up a waffle with his hands, biting into it. The camera refocuses on JOHN MULANEY.)  
He’s just… odd, I guess.

CAMERAMAN:  
I see.  
(A beat.)  
Well, hey, would you care if we kept in touch throughout this project?

JOHN MULANEY:  
I mean, I still work at the studio. I write there a lot, so… Yeah, I’ll be around.

CAMERAMAN:  
Why are you staying at a hotel if you live here?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Honestly? I needed one more punch on my Holiday Inn punch card to get a free night. It’s useful when you’re in and out of town.

CAMERAMAN:  
Oh, smart.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Thank you.  
(A beat. He collects the little scene of garbage.)  
I should probably leave. 

CAMERAMAN:  
Oh, yeah, well- we’ll be in touch.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Alright, yeah. I’ll see you around.

(The CAMERAMAN goes back to STEFON’s table with the rest of the camera crew. He lowers the camera.)

PRODUCER:  
Well?

CAMERAMAN:  
I’ve got a lot of information out of him. Said his name was… Oh, shit, what was his name?  
(The PRODUCER looks over the CAMERAMAN’s head, trying to see if he recognizes JOHN MULANEY. He shakes his head.)

PRODUCER:  
Nope. No idea.

CAMERAMAN:  
He works on the show. He’s a writer.

PRODUCER:  
Huh. No clue.

CAMERAMAN:  
Huh. Well, shit.

(STEFON approaches the two.)

STEFON:  
What’s going on, boys? 

CAMERAMAN:  
Uh, nothing, just… some stuff for the doc.

STEFON:  
I see, I see, yes, yes, yes.  
(A beat.)  
Well, I wasn’t planning on doing anything interesting for the rest of today.  
(A beat. He crushes his juicebox with his fist.)  
Maybe you should check on Seth Meyers. I bet his Sundays are so very interesting.  
(He makes a face, cracking up into a laugh.)  
Yeah, right. Seth Meyers is probably sitting on his porch, eating a piece of bread with grape jelly.

(The scene cuts to SETH outside of his apartment, on his balcony, feet up on a footrest.)

SETH:  
He thought I ate my bread with grape jelly?  
(A beat. He frowns.)  
I eat my bread with orange jelly. Sometimes apricot if I’m feeling a little frisky.  
(He chuckles awkwardly, looking away.)  
I’m sorry.  
(A beat.)  
But… Stefon told you to check up on me? All I did today was get my coffee and start a new chapter on my book.  
(There’s a collective sigh from the crew.)  
I’m sorry! I told you, I don’t understand why you chose us to do a documentary about. I don’t have anything interesting to say. Nothing’s gonna change around here anytime soon- no big changes, at least.   
(SETH picks up his book, shaking his head a bit.)

CAMERAMAN:  
Well, something interesting did happen today.

PRODUCER:  
We’re keeping it on the downlow, but we really think it’s given us some leverage into this doc.

CAMERAMAN:  
So you can’t go telling Stefon or any of your other co-workers. This is strictly off the record.

SETH:  
Are you… Are you recording? 

CAMERAMAN:  
We’ll edit it out in post.

(SETH sits up, legs coming off of the footrest. He puts his book down.)

PRODUCER:  
We ran into someone today, uh… Jim?

CAMERAMAN:  
I thought his name was James.

PRODUCER:  
No, no- It was definitely a J name, though.

SETH:  
… John?

PRODUCER:  
No, no, no… Wait-  
CAMERAMAN:  
Maybe?

SETH:  
… John Mulaney?

PRODUCER:  
Eh-

CAMERAMAN:  
I think that was his name.

PRODUCER:  
Was it?

CAMERAMAN:  
I could not tell you if I had a gun to my head.

PRODUCER:  
We’ll go with John.

SETH:  
John Mulaney is a writer for the show, so… that would make sense.

PRODUCER:  
Right. Tell ‘em what happened.

CAMERAMAN:  
Well, this John guy-

SETH:  
John Mulaney, a comedian and a well-known writer-

CAMERAMAN:  
Not well-known enough, apparently.   
(A beat.)  
Anyway, he told us about the one time you were doing a weekend update, and your guest stars left you high and dry-

SETH:  
I-

CAMERAMAN:  
(Interrupting him.)  
-so you had to find a replacement really fast. They sent James- Jim? 

SETH:  
John.

CAMERAMAN:  
Whatever. They sent him into the streets of New York to find him.  
(A beat.)  
They talked it out, and John got Stefon on the show.

(SETH scratches his chin.)

SETH:  
Okay, well, that’s not at all what happened.

CAMERAMAN:  
Wait, what?

PRODUCER:  
(Muttering.)  
Are you getting this?  
(The CAMERAMAN nods.)

SETH:  
Yeah, John didn’t get sent out to find him. We found Stefon right outside. Maybe he got it mixed up with another time he saw Stefon? I don’t know, but that’s not how it happened.  
(The scene dissolves into SETH’s dressing room, much like JOHN MULANEY’s story. He’s checking his watch. SETH narrates over his past self pacing.)  
John got that part right; My co-hosts, or- or guest-stars or whatever you wanna call them, they just… Didn’t show. We were supposed to start in, like, ten minutes, so I was pretty nervous.  
(LORNE MICHAELS knocks on the door, and comes in when SETH answers. We’re now fully in the scene, not just with SETH’s narration.)

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Hey, how are you holding up?

SETH:  
They were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
I know, but… Look, if they’re no-shows, you’ll go out there, and you’ll adlib.

SETH:  
I don’t know if I can adlib for that long. I mean, l can, but… 

(JOHN MULANEY knocks on the door, opening it, but we go back to real time, and SETH begins to narrate again.)

SETH:  
(As JOHN MULANEY. Very nasally.)  
I’m sorry- I’m sorry to interrupt-

CAMERAMAN:  
Who’s that supposed to be?

SETH:  
John Mulaney?

PRODUCER:  
That doesn’t sound like him at all. I didn’t even talk to him and I know that’s not how he talks.

SETH:  
Okay, Jesus, I was just… trying to put some humor into this.

CAMERAMAN:  
Okay, just- Christ, Seth, get back to the story.

SETH:  
Okay, fine- sorry, Jesus-

(The story resumes back in the past, SETH no longer narrating.)

JOHN MULANEY:  
(Knocking on the door, coming in. He seems to be out of breath.)  
Sorry to interrupt, but… we have a problem. You guys remember Stefon, from the movie pitch?

SETH:  
What about him?

JOHN MULANEY:  
He’s outside. Right now.

SETH:  
So?

JOHN MULANEY:  
I think he’s high or something- he tried chasing me. Told me I looked like a human tree. Started throwing scraps of metal at me while I ran inside.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Christ, get him off of the premises. He wasn’t the right fit for what we needed- too controversial. 

SETH:  
You really think so?  
(A beat.)  
How controversial?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
I don’t know. I can’t imagine him being… too bad, but… I don’t know. Something didn’t sit right with me when I first met him.

SETH:  
If we really, really need someone to fill in for weekend update, why don’t we just ask him on the show? Just this once. 

JOHN MULANEY:  
If you can convince him, sure, but… be warned. He’ll attack.

(SETH shakes his head a bit, leaving through the back of the studio. STEFON is seated on the stairs outside, and SETH almost trips over him.)  
SETH:  
Ope- I’m sorry.  
(A beat.)  
Are you alright?  
(Another beat.)  
Are you Stefon? 

STEFON:  
I sure am.  
(He pulls out his flip phone, texting someone on it.)  
(Without looking up.)  
What about it, stud?

SETH:  
I… uh…  
(He clears his throat.)  
I’m Seth, uh Seth M-

STEFON:  
I know who you are, Seth Meyers.   
(He still doesn’t look up from his flip phone, still feverishly texting.)  
It ain’t my first Saturday Night rodeo.

SETH:  
I’ll pretend I know what that means.  
(A beat.)  
Can I sit?

STEFON:  
Be my guest, Seth Meyers.

(SETH sits next to STEFON on the stairs.)

SETH:  
I have a problem.

STEFON:  
What kind? Because I have a lot. Maybe I could help.  
(He continues to text, however.)

SETH:  
Oh, nothing, like, existential- just… I was supposed to have two other co-stars on my weekend update bit for the show, and… they kinda blew me off, you know?

STEFON:  
I know exactly how you feel, Seth Meyers.

SETH:  
Yeah, so… You’re pretty good at… I don’t know, socializing?  
(STEFON snickers.)  
I mean, well, as good as it gets. And, you have experience with the show itself, so…

STEFON:   
I guess I do.  
(He flicks his phone shut.)

SETH:  
The only problem is, and- don’t take this the wrong way, but -are you currently… on… 

STEFON:  
Am I on drugs because I attacked your high-waisted hipped friend with the defined face? No, he just seemed off, so I told him to leave me alone.

(SETH is taken aback by this.)

SETH:  
I… I see?

STEFON:  
So, does this mean I’ve got the job?

SETH:  
For tonight, at least-

STEFON:  
Well, let’s get going, then, Seth Meyers. Wouldn’t want to be late!

(STEFON tsks, leaving SETH seated on the stairs, mouth agape. He gets up after a moment, and goes through the studio door. The scene returns to the present, and SETH slinks back in his chair.)

SETH:  
That’s what I remember, at least. 

CAMERAMAN:  
So, we have two different stories.

SETH:  
I guess some of John’s story could line up with mine, but… 

PRODUCER:  
I don’t know. I feel like they could both be true.

SETH:  
I know mine happened. I sat outside with Stefon while he was on his flip phone.

CAMERAMAN:  
We found him in a trash can this morning, so… that makes sense.

SETH:  
He was in a trash can? God, I always say if he ever needed a place to stay, he could use the couch at my house. At least get an actual shower.

CAMERAMAN:  
I see.  
(A beat.)  
So, we have absolutely no straightforward storyline for our doc.

SETH:  
Does a documentary have to have a cohesive story? Like… can’t it just be about what we do here, draw in an audience? I don’t know, I’m just- still trying to wrap my head around why you guys chose us for a documentary.

PRODUCER:  
We could string together both stories, put them together- no, this is an even better doc then just about some kids playing dress up.

SETH:  
Sorry?

PRODUCER:  
No offense, but, which would you rather watch? A documentary about sane people talking about where they work, or a documentary about some crackhead and how he landed a job mixed in with those other people?

SETH:  
Hey, hey, as… “off-the-wall” as Stefon may be, he’s not… a character for you to bend in your narrative.

CAMERAMAN:  
We won’t “bend him in our narrative”; we’re gonna find out where he came from. It’ll be interesting- oh, hey, you keep an eye on Stefon. Maybe try to pry into him a bit, yeah?

SETH:  
Pry into him? I… No, no. I’m done talking to you for right now.

(SETH goes inside his house. The camera zooms in through the screen door, showing SETH dial a number on his phone, holding it up to his ear.)

CAMERAMAN:  
(Panning the camera over to the PRODUCER.)  
So… what’s the plan for right now?

PRODUCER:  
We need to find out more about this Stefon guy. See what he does outside of the studio, see who he really is. This is the only interesting character we’ve got on our hands right now.

CAMERAMAN:  
You think we’ll be able to get enough information out of him?

PRODUCER:  
(A beat. He thinks.)  
Nah.  
(A beat.)  
This is why we have to go even farther.

(The screen goes black. The next scene comes up in the studio once again. SETH is in his dressing room, opening the door to enter it, when the camera and crew are already inside. He jumps.)

SETH:  
Jesus Christ!  
(A beat.)  
Why do you guys always do this?

PRODUCER:  
Sorry, we just had a few more questions.

SETH:  
About what?

PRODUCER:  
About Stefon’s life.

SETH:  
Why don’t you ask Stefon about that? It’s none of my business.

PRODUCER:  
We tried.  
(The scene shifts to what was before the current scene. STEFON is being interviewed.)  
Stefon, could you tell us a bit more about your early life? Maybe… some fun facts?

STEFON:  
I play a mean game of hacky sack.

PRODUCER:  
Oh, when did you start playing hacky sack?

STEFON:  
When I was a wee lad.

PRODUCER:  
Uh… Okay!   
(A beat.)  
Is that why you like it so much? Because it reminds you of your childhood?

STEFON:  
Oh, oh no. No, no. No. Not in the slightest.  
(He smiles.)  
Next question.

(Back to real time. SETH scratches his chin, nodding a bit.)

SETH:  
I… I see.

PRODUCER:  
What else do you know about Stefon?

SETH:  
Well…  
(SETH sits down at his dressing room table. He scratches his chin again, leaning back in his chair. He sets his bag on the table, unpacking it for a bit.)  
I mean, I met Stefon pretty late into both our lives. We never talked about childhoods or- or colleges or anything. I bet he has some knowledge on specific things; he’s not stupid, I… again, he just makes some questionable decisions, you know?  
(SETH sits up straight, flattening his tie, adjusting it against his collar.)  
There’s not much else to know, yeah? I mean, he disappears after shoots. Where does he go? Beats me.  
(SETH takes out a comb, fixing his hair now.)  
I’m sorry, I’m not the best person when it comes to super… informational presentations, or… interviews, I guess.

PRODUCER:  
That’s fine, yeah, uh… What about you, Seth?

SETH:  
About me? About my life?

PRODUCER:  
About your experiences here, about your co-workers.

SETH:  
I mean, no two days are ever the same around here.  
(SETH’s voice turns to a voice over as the scene cuts to different shots of people getting ready, fixing their hair, getting into costume, a makeup artist helping with a few, all in slow motion.)  
Everyone here is just… they’re all really wonderful.  
(A beat. The STAGE MANAGER is walking around, slow motion still in effect. They hold up five fingers to signify five minutes until stage time. The scene cuts back to SETH, looking almost sentimental.)  
I have so many memories here. I can’t imagine what my life would look like if I wasn’t… given this chance, you know?  
(The STAGE MANAGER interrupts this interview by knocking on the door. The camera pans to them.)

STAGE MANAGER:  
Hey, Seth, sorry to- sorry to interrupt-

SETH:  
No, no, you’re good. What’s up?

STAGE MANAGER:  
We were gonna do a screening test before the thirty minute call, but… Stefon’s not here. Not yet, at least. Could you call him?

SETH:  
Oh, yeah, yeah, I’ll call him. Thanks.

STAGE MANAGER:  
Thank you, yeah.  
(The STAGE MANAGER nods, closing the door. SETH runs a hand over his face, pulling out his phone.)  
Stefon?   
(The camera pans to show that the crew has started interviewing the STAGE MANAGER.)  
Uh, he’s interesting, yeah? Isn’t that how Seth described him? Ha, guess that’s how everyone describes him. Um, he’s nice enough, I guess. We have his resume, but…  
(The STAGE MANAGER lifts a piece of water damaged paper, the camera zooming in on it. It says “STEFON ZOLESKY” written in hopefully red paint/crayon. There’s some gold glitter on top, and the normal format for a resume, however, the bottom half of the page is torn off.)  
This is all we got, uh… So. Hey, listen, I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now, I’m on a manhunt for Stefon. If you see him, give me a shout, yeah?  
(The CAMERAMAN nods, using his camera to convey this, however.)  
Thanks.  
(The STAGE MANAGER knocks on another dressing room door. The scene cuts to JOHN MULANEY, standing in front of the door labeled “WRITERS’ ROOM. PLEASE BE QUIET”. He seems a bit concerned.)

JOHN MULANEY:  
I’m sorry, I just got the call from the producer. What happened with my mother?

PRODUCER:  
Oh, about that, she’s fine, we just- uh, we needed to get you away from other people for a minute for a few more questions.

JOHN MULANEY:  
So my mom did not swallow a bee and get stung in the heart?

PRODUCER:  
…. No. No, she didn’t. Why would-... no. Your mother is fine.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Oh. Well, since I’m… out here, what’d you need?

PRODUCER:  
Do you have any idea where Stefon is right now?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Uh… No. Not at all, actually. I haven’t seen him since we were at the Holiday Inn. He doesn’t usually show up to screenings or table reads or anything; he kinda, just…  
(He gestures vaguely.)  
Comes and goes as he pleases.

PRODUCER:  
That’s a problem, then. Seth’s trying to call him now, but we can’t find him.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Try checking the dumpster across the street. He usually looks for more tacky rings and bling in there.

PRODUCER:  
Noted.  
(A beat.)  
Hey, we talked to Seth. About Stefon booking the gig as city correspondent.

JOHN MULANEY:  
You did?   
(A beat.)  
What… Did he say?

PRODUCER:  
Nothing, nothing. Just… your stories didn’t match up.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Oh. It was a while ago.  
(A beat.)  
Can I ask something? Really quick.

PRODUCER:  
Oh, yeah, sure. Shoot.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Why do you only call me by my full name? Like… just… John would be fine.

PRODUCER:  
Eh… No. 

JOHN MULANEY:  
What do you mean, “eh… no”?

PRODUCER:  
Just say John. In the context of yourself. Hold on.  
(A beat.)  
Dan, hey, Dan. Say John Mulaney’s name. Just John.

DAN:  
(The camera panning from DAN to the PRODUCER.)  
What?

PRODUCER:  
Just say John Mulaney’s name, but just John.

DAN:  
No. That’s weird.

PRODUCER:  
See? It’s weird.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Huh. I never… I didn’t think it was a big deal. Uh…  
(A beat. He scratches his chin.)  
What were we talking about?

(Silence for a moment.)

CAMERAMAN:  
Oh, shit, don’t look at me, I have no clue.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Oh, about Seth.

PRODUCER:  
Oh, yeah, yeah. That’s… yeah.

JOHN MULANEY:  
It was a long time ago. I could’ve screwed up some of the details, but I remember a good bit of it.

PRODUCER:  
Well, uh-

(The STAGE MANAGER enters again. The CAMERAMAN pans to them.)

STAGE MANAGER:  
Hey, sorry to… interrupt you guys again, but… We have to send Seth out to go find him.

PRODUCER:  
Who? Stefon?

STAGE MANAGER:  
Yes, Stefon. 

CAMERAMAN:  
We’ll go with him.

STAGE MANAGER:  
I don’t care who goes with him. I just need to have him here within the next hour. Recording was delayed due to some congestion in the Square; more than usual, I mean.

JOHN MULANEY:  
(Pushing the door to the writers’ room open.)  
I’ll leave you guys to that.

PRODUCER:  
Dan, go catch Seth before he leaves. Tell him we’re going with him.

DAN:  
All of us?

PRODUCER:  
Uh, uh- no, no- uh, me-  
(He points to the camera.)  
You-  
(He points to the boom guy.)  
You-  
(He looks around.)  
And… you can come, too, Dan.

DAN:  
Aw, okay, cute.  
(A beat.)  
I mean- I’ll go get Seth.

(The camera goes down, and the screen goes black.)  
(The scene comes back up on SETH getting in his car.)

SETH:  
If I know one thing about Stefon, he’s probably at some shitty night club or behind a shady building.  
(A beat.)  
We don’t have much time, so we have to kind of speed around, ask people if they’ve seen him, okay? We’ve absolutely got to keep our eyes peeled.

(As SETH is speaking, we see STEFON wandering around in the background, wandering into an alley. The camera zooms in on him, then cuts to an interview with STEFON.)

STEFON:  
I got lost.   
(The scene returns to SETH driving around the street, STEFON’s narration over various shots of SETH, the PRODUCER, the CAMERAMAN, and DAN overturning trash cans, showing their IDs to bouncers, simply wandering the streets.)  
This reminds me a lot of when I was a missing child.  
(A beat.)  
I wasn’t technically missing, I just never came home. Too much drama. I always liked the streets; it was always so much more calm. The busy-ness just distracted from all of my problems. Ugh, I just love the night life, the atmosphere, everything about New York is just…   
(In this montage, we see SETH tip over a trash can a bit more carelessly, a family of racoons jumping at him.)  
Immaculate.

(The scene goes back to SETH’s car, the camera on the dash. SETH is driving, the PRODUCER is in the passenger’s seat, and the CAMERAMAN, the BOOM GUY, and DAN are in the backseat. SETH seems a bit worse for wear, a bloody gash on his cheek, presumably from the racoon attack.)

SETH:  
We have to go deeper into the city. A real trashy club, maybe.

DAN:  
I know one. It’s just a few miles away, if you’re willing to go farther.

SETH:  
That’s fine, just… give me the directions.

DAN:  
It’s like… straight, then a left, the you’re gonna bang a uey-

SETH:  
I kind of… I kinda meant as I drove, like… turn at this street, go left at XYZ, you know?

DAN:  
That’s too hard.

SETH:  
I… you know what? That’s fine, that’s fine. I mean, if this club is really where he’s at, it’ll be worth it.

DAN:  
I have a good feeling about it.

SETH:  
What’s the name of this place?

(The scene cuts to a bright neon sign outside of a club- the camera tries to focus on the blinking light. It goes from a neon mint to a neon pink, half of the sign not blinking. It reads “spicy”.)

DAN:  
It used to be hopping in 2017.   
(A beat. The camera turns to DAN.)  
It’s actually called “The Spicy Spot” but the sign stopped working, I guess. Huh, that’s upsetting.

SETH:  
The last thing I want to do is be within a five mile radius of “The Spicy Spot”, but… whatever.

(The scene cuts to the bouncer being interviewed.)

BOUNCER:  
The freaky emo man with the scene highlights? Yeah, he’s been here before. He goes to all the clubs around here. He’s usually tripping hardcore, no acception, usually.  
(A beat. The camera shows SETH, the PRODUCER, DAN, the CAMERAMAN, and DAN splitting up. SETH pushes his way through the crowd, the camera focusing on STEFON at the bar, stealing left behind drinks.)

STEFON:  
(Seated at the bar, taking a shot.)  
Hm? What about it? I mean, at first, I would tell these people that I would watch their stuff, and they’d leave their drinks. I’d watch their stuff, drink their drinks, and walk away once they were in plain view. Guess I just have a face you can trust.  
(He pushes a strand of hair behind his ear, smiling at the camera. He takes another shot.)

SETH:  
Stefon!

(SETH hurries to STEFON, standing next to him.)  
STEFON:  
Seth Meyers? What are you doing here? White hunks like you never show up to these hot spots.

SETH:  
Gonna be one-hundred percent honest with you, Stefon, I didn’t even think this place existed.

STEFON:  
Well, surprise.  
(STEFON taps on the counter. The bartender nods, handing him two shots.)  
Have a seat, Seth Meyers.

SETH:  
Stefon, we have a show in- a half hour.

STEFON:  
Ugh, show shmow, am I right?  
(He hands a shot glass to SETH, clinking their glasses together. He takes his shot, shaking his head with a small face.)  
Boring. This isn’t boring.

SETH:  
But… No, no, we can’t drink. We have to get back to the studio. Now.

STEFON:  
Oh, come on, they’re playing a good song, too. Plus, it’s karaoke night. I sing a mean rendition of Hot N Cold, oh, but I also sing a mean Telephone. I’m always willing for a…  
(He looks SETH up and down with a smile.)  
… duet, Seth Meyers.

SETH:  
(Physically recoiling.)  
Uh, no. We have a show tonight. You haven’t even shown up, and- God, it’s loud in here. Can we talk outside?

STEFON:  
I don’t see why not.  
(STEFON takes SETH’s shot from his hand, taking it before slamming the glass on the bar counter. They proceed to go outside, their breath visible. There’s a group of women smoking, but STEFON hisses at them, and they scatter. SETH and STEFON seat themselves on the curb.)  
So… why don’t you wanna come back to the studio?

STEFON:  
It’s all the same there. Never any variety. Lameo barfo, Seth Meyers.  
(He digs in his pocket, finding a half-burnt cigarette. He holds it in his mouth as he speaks, digging in his pockets for a lighter.)  
You see, I like a bit of a difference in my routine. The same exact thing, every Saturday? Ugh- do you have a lighter by any chance?

SETH:  
Um- no, sorry.  
(STEFON waves a dismissive hand at that, picking up two rocks from the ground, smashing them together until he manages a flame, lighting his already half-burnt cigarette with it. He tosses the rocks aside, takes a drag of smoke, then breathes out.)  
I didn’t know you smoked.

STEFON:  
Oh, yeah. Picked it up in third grade.  
(SETH seems shocked. STEFON laughs.)  
I’m just kidding, Seth Meyers.  
(A beat, he puts the cigarette back in his mouth.)  
I picked it up in fourth.  
(He takes another long inhale.)  
Well, don’t look so shocked, Seth Meyers. You have your lifestyle, I have mine. You listen to the Beatles and read a chapter out of Pride and Prejudice, and I have fun, doing something with my life.

SETH:  
I’m sorry?

STEFON:  
Oh, I mean, no offense, Seth Meyers, but your wonderbread ass isn’t doing yourself any favors.   
(He takes another drag, and SETH sits with his mouth opened slightly.)  
Don’t look so shocked, Seth Meyers. I’m just an honest drunk… and high… and, well, always.

SETH:  
Is that a part of your… dramatic backstory?

STEFON:  
You see, that’s just something I don’t understand. Why do I need a dramatic backstory to be interesting? Maybe I just like partying and having fun… for those reasons. To have fun.  
(He burns the rest of the cigarette on the curb next to where they’re seated. He drops the butt of it onto the concrete.)  
I mean, sure, I may have grown up in the shadow of my older brother who conformed perfectly to society and modeled as a normal straight, white businessman who made his family proud- and maybe I started doing drugs as a teenager and dumpster hopped until I settled on the local Wendy’s- and… maybe I got a job by dumb luck. But, hey- Seth Meyers, I’m living my best life out here. I love my job, I’m… well, not stable, that’s not the word.

SETH:  
I just… I don't understand why you would want a life like this.

STEFON;  
In order to understand me, Seth Meyers, you have to get to know me. The only problem is… I don’t know where to begin.  
(He taps his chin, before pointing matter-of-factly.)  
No, no, now- Now, I know. Let’s go back to my early, early young adult years. Around twenty.  
(The scene fades to a “younger” STEFON- the only problem is that he looks the exact same. He comes downstairs in a decent house, wringing his hands.)  
Mom? Dad?  
(STEFON looks above the camera, as if speaking to someone.)  
I like boys.  
(It shows STEFON staring at himself in a mirror in the den.)  
No, no. That- that doesn’t sound right.  
(He sighs, using a deeper voice.)  
I like men.  
(He nods, putting his hands over his mouth, still nodding. He moves a piece of hair from his bangs, voice back to normal now.)  
Perfect.  
(STEFON fixes himself in the mirror, and we’re sent back to the present of STEFON and SETH seated on the curb.)  
I wasn’t sure how to put it, Seth Meyers. It was complicated, and I didn’t really have… anyone to ask about it. Nowhere to turn to. I turned to my mirror, said what was right, and relayed that to my parents.

SETH:  
What’d they say?

STEFON:  
Oh, the usual routine-  
(A beat, he sits up taller.)  
You just haven’t met the right girl yet, Stefon! You don’t have enough experience, Stefon!  
(Another beat. STEFON runs his hand down the side of his face.)  
But I had to say, mom- dad, I was… born this way.

SETH:  
Lady Gaga?

STEFON:  
(Softly.)  
Yes.

SETH:  
(Nodding wisely.)  
I see.

STEFON:  
They weren’t too happy about that, and since then, something just didn’t click. I assumed for good reason. I’m much happier without them dictating my decisions.  
(A beat.)  
I jumped from place to place for a bit; hotels, couches at garage sales- you know.  
(SETH simply slowly nods, although he doesn’t understand at all.)  
It’s not “traumatic” or “sad”, it’s just life, and that’s how I chose to live it, Seth Meyers. And, what can I say? I’m thriving.

SETH:  
You are?  
(A beat. STEFON nods.)  
If you don’t mind me asking, what about all the…   
(His voice gets softer.)  
Drugs?

STEFON:  
Oh, Seth Meyers. If Gaga taught me anything, it’s that sometimes “medicine” is more helpful than just confronting your issues headon. 

SETH:  
I… What?

STEFON:  
Party drugs were my favorites, but if I caught myself- I had to get my man-cure, if you know what I mean.

SETH:  
Can you stop speaking in Gaga quotes, just for, like, five seconds?

STEFON:  
Right, my bad.  
(A beat.)  
That’s pretty much it. I had a few crushes growing up, but, then, I got on the club scene- I had no time for school-boy romances, Seth Meyers. I was busy working. Constantly on that grind, as some would say. Sometimes I just need an escape from reality, if not permanent, then just long enough for things to feel alright again. 

(SETH nods, checking his watch. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, checking the time there to make sure he wasn’t mistaken.)

SETH:  
Oh- shit! We’re two hours late to the show. We gotta go- Oh, no! Dan has my keys, oh, they probably drove back to the studio. We have to get over there. Quick.

(The two stand. Cut to; long shot of the road in front of the club, seeing SETH and STEFON turn the corner sharply, both sprinting past the camera. As they run, SETH checks his watch. The scene cuts to STEFON standing in front of the studio door. He wipes his nose, doing another interview.)

STEFON:  
Oh, God- the run back, I don’t know if I can talk about it,  
(He covers his mouth.)  
Okay, I’ll talk about it.  
(A beat. The scene cuts back to STEFON and SETH sprinting, STEFON’s narration over the scene.)  
We were both running, I could feel my knees pounding, I was running so hard. I was still pretty messed up, so- I kinda blacked out for a bit. Gained some speed from Seth Meyers.  
(The scene shows SETH doubling over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath, STEFON running without him, faster than we’ve seen him move throughout the entire doc. SETH reaches out desperately, almost to try and stop him.)  
I kept running, and running, and running, and it wasn’t until I got back to the studio that I noticed Seth Meyers wasn’t there as well. I was going to retrace my steps, until I checked my phone.  
(The scene cuts to STEFON standing at the backdoor, not even out of breath, opening his flip phone. He raises the phone to his ear, blinking a few times. STEFON’s narration is overheard.)  
It was my manager, my agent, whatever you wanna call him. He said there was a call for me at the morgue. So, I used my coked-up superhuman speed to hurry to the morgue. I was directed inside to a body bag, and unidentified body inside-  
(A beat. STEFON in the scene covers his mouth with his hands before it returns to STEFON doing the interview.)  
It was… Seth Meyers.  
(The scene returns to the past scene. STEFON speaks in the scene.)  
He’s… dead.

(We hear some panting, someone running towards the camera.)

SETH;  
No- no, Stefon, that’s- that’s not all what happened. 

STEFON:  
It was for some dramatic flare, Seth Meyers, don’t be such a buzz-kill-bitch.

SETH:  
Stefon, you left me in a bad part of town.

STEFON:  
Oh, please, nobody snatched you up. And, even if they did, I think they’d return you pretty quick, Seth Meyers.

SETH:  
(Still out of breath.)  
Just… come on, we have to get inside. 

(SETH pulls open the door to the studio, when STEFON points.)

STEFON:  
Seth Meyers, look.

(The camera pans around the corner, where there seems to be a riot going on. There’s a crowd of people, some throwing things, some shaking their fists, someone starts a fire.)

SETH:  
What in God’s name-

(The STAGE MANAGER walks out, seeing STEFON and SETH. They grab both by the arm, pulling the two inside.)

STAGE MANAGER:  
There you guys are; what the hell took you so long?

SETH:  
We lost track of time. It was almost, like, in downtown New York, time doesn’t exist.

STAGE MANAGER:  
Well, it does. We almost had to send out a search party for the search party. I mean, God, Seth, we asked you to find Stefon two hours ago, and-

SETH:  
Look, I’m sorry, but what’s the deal with the mob outside?

STAGE MANAGER:  
Oh, God. It was all a big mistake on the show tonight.  
(A beat.)  
Recording got delayed because of traffic, and then it got delayed again because Seth Meyers and Stefon Zolesky were missing from set, and then delayed again because Mulaney had to go out to the front, leave the writers’ room, and try to appease the forming crowd. And then guess what happened?

STEFON:  
Ooh, rhetorical questions. I love.

SETH:  
What happened?

STAGE MANAGER:  
John offered refunds. For a show that was still happening. Then, when we told him, John, everyone’s on their way, the show is still happening, we sent him back outside to tell everyone, and-

(JOHN MULANEY enters, drenched in sweat, the sleeve of his jacket torn, half of his tie missing, almost seeming as if it was chopped in half but a pair of scissors. He’s out of breath.)

JOHN MULANEY:  
Hey, uh- don’t freak out, everything’s fine, but- I’m trying to tame the mob. Uh- do we have, like a rod, or something to keep people back?

STEFON:  
I have a baseball bat in my dressing room. The handle’s a nice, soft material; it’s removable.  
(A beat.)  
… Or, do you need a more blunt object?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Baseball bat works, thanks.

(JOHN MULANEY hurries off screen. SETH gives the camera a look.)

SETH:  
This can’t be too serious.  
(He waves a dismissive hand to the STAGE MANAGER and STEFON, the CAMERAMAN following SETH to the front of the station. He pushes the door open, met with shouts, people waving fists, and JOHN MULANEY poking people with a baseball bat yelling “Back! Back it up! Back!” SETH closes the door as quickly as he opens it. He walks back to his dressing room, bumping into LORNE MICHAELS.)  
Oh, hey. Today’s just… crazy, huh?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
What the hell is wrong with you, Meyers?

SETH:  
… I’m sorry?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Your buddy Stefon goes missing, so you miss the show to run after him?  
(A beat. LORNE MICHAELS shakes his head.)  
I’m sorry, it’s just… The people are really angry out there, Seth.

(The camera pans to show the crowd grabbing the end of JOHN MULANEY’s bat, pulling it away from him. He screams. The camera pans back to SETH and LORNE MICHAELS. SETH scratches his chin.)

SETH:  
Yeah. Yeah, uh, I can tell.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
We’re going to really suffer from this.

SETH:  
By missing one show?

(The scene cuts to JOHN MULANEY standing in front of the studio door, trying to hold it closed white holding a pie chart. He looks extremely worse for wear.)

JOHN MULANEY:  
The big chunk of pie is the profits we’ve gotten over the last year- huh, that’s funny; I thought we made it a line graph. Or a bar graph.  
(A beat.)  
Anyway, the big chunk is profits, but-  
(He flips a page over, showing the pie chart cut into sections.)  
Colorized budget spending. Green is for guest-stars, that’s a big one; a solid $5,000 for guest hosts alone, uh- red is for damage to sets or injury, pretty small, but not knocked out completely. Orange is food and drink for recording days and set crew- uh-  
(He points to different sections.)  
This one’s for paychecks, uh-  
(He flips the page, showing a sized up version of the piece of the chart for pay.)  
Huh. That’s odd. Someone must’ve messed up the chart book; I don’t see my pay here.  
(He turns the notebook around, looking it over. He turns it back over.)  
But, uh, after tonight’s… debacle-  
(He flips a page of the notebook, showing a large chunk of the pie scribble in with, presumably, black sharpie. The camera zooms in on it, and there’s even a skull and crossbones drawn above it. JOHN MULANEY turns another page, showing a bigger version of the slice, showing the different categories of damage. EX., psychological distress, baseball bat repair costs, John’s suit, etc. The scene cuts back to SETH and LORNE MICHAELS. SETH runs a hand over his face.)

SETH:  
God, I’m sorry, man. 

LORNE MICHAELS:  
We’ll be in a pretty deep hole.  
(A beat.)  
Just… Get home. Crew’ll have a conference call tomorrow, we’ll meet with the producers, the directors, the station, whatever we have to do. I’ll contact you or your manager if I need you for anything.

SETH:  
Yeah, yeah, whatever I can do.  
(LORNE MICHAELS says a few more words of dismissal, and he walks away. SETH goes to his dressing room, packing his bag. We hear his narration as he goes out to his car.)  
I just hope I don’t get fired because of this. I- I mean, it was my fault, so- that would be completely valid, but… I’m just praying that they’re straying away from realism. Maybe some of what Stefon said was right; maybe it was just easier to avoid reality.  
(His narration ends when he unlocks his apartment door. He makes a small face, fumbling with the door, thinking the key isn’t working. He pushes on the door, seeing it’s already open. He closes it cautiously behind himself, looking around. He sets down his bag, hearing footsteps in the small living room. He turns into the kitchen, grabbing a pair of salad-tongs; not the most ideal, but the closest “weapon” to him. He goes into the living room, raising it cautiously, when he notices who’s seated on his couch: STEFON.)  
Wha- Stefon? What are you doing in my apartment? How did you get in here? Who let you in? Did you break my lock?

STEFON:  
(Drinking out of, presumably, one of SETH’s mugs.)  
Cool it, Seth Meyers.  
(He takes a sip from the mug.)  
I had your extra house- er, apartment key. I let myself in. Didn’t think you’d be home so late.  
(He notices SETH staring, and he lowers the mug from his mouth.)  
Whiskey. You want me to pour you some? Found it under one of your cupboards.  
(STEFON stands, going into the kitchen, comfortable, as if this were his apartment.)

SETH:  
You… You broke into my apartment? Why?

STEFON:  
(Pouring another mug of whiskey, then topping off his own mug.)  
Ugh, again, Seth Meyers, it’s not breaking and entering if I had a key.

SETH:  
It’s still illegal; you didn’t have my permission.

STEFON:  
(Handing SETH a mug of whiskey.)  
Ooh- what are you gonna do, Seth Meyers? Call the NYPD?  
(SETH seems baffled as STEFON smiles, shrugs, then goes to sit on the couch, propping his feet up. SETH holds the mug before sighing, taking a long sip from it. He makes a small face at the sudden strong taste, but goes into the living room after a moment.)  
What were you and Michaels talking about?  
(He takes another sip, using both of his hands to hold the mug. SETH sits in a chair next to the couch, hesitantly taking another sip of whiskey as well. STEFON looks at him over the brim of his mug.)  
Ooh- you don’t look happy.

SETH:  
Lots of budget stuff. John- John Mulaney did something because we were late, lots of damage because of that mob out front.  
(A beat. SETH takes a long drink from his mug. The camera pans to STEFON, who almost looks impressed by the quick chugging.)  
If they end up firing someone over this, they’ll fire me, not John. It was my fault to leave the studio.

STEFON:  
Your fault for leaving the studio, but you were just trying to find me. It’s endearing, Seth Meyers. I envy your empathy.  
(He takes a sip from the very edge of the mug. SETH physically cringes at the unnecessarily loud slurping noise.)  
You a realist?

SETH:  
Excuse me?  
STEFON:  
You’re a realist, right? Like- you look at the realism in situations?

SETH:  
… I guess so?

STEFON:  
Look at it logically, Seth Meyers; if someone gets fired, it’s gonna be me. They’ll throw my handsome, fine ass onto the street and out of the studio like that.  
(He snaps for emphasis. Another sip of whiskey.)  
And that slap of reality is coming from someone who’s totally buzzed right now.

SETH:  
(He looks from STEFON to his mug, then sets it down politely.)  
I mean, I guess. 

STEFON:  
You guess a lot, Seth Meyers.   
(A beat. STEFON leans forward, squinting a bit.)  
You’re an interesting specimen.

SETH:  
I… Thank you?

STEFON:  
Anyways, I wouldn’t worry too much about the studio situation.   
(A beat. He sets his mug down as well. He stands, stretching.)  
I’m gonna head out. Thanks for the hospitality, Seth Meyers. By the way, I used your shower.  
(Another beat. He fixes his hair.)  
Goodbye, Seth Meyers. See you soon.

(SETH sits speechless for a moment, nodding, watching STEFON leave.)

SETH:  
(After a moment.)  
That guy still has my extra house key. 

(The scene cuts to a room, the PRODUCER closing the door behind himself as he walks into a meeting area, sitting at the head of the table. The CAMERAMAN adjusts the camera.)

CAMERAMAN:  
Just… recording for the archive. Heating up the battery, you know.

(The CAMERAMAN reveals that the whole doc crew is in the meeting room.)

PRODUCER:  
That Stefon’s gonna get fired. Point-blank. He might drag us down with him.

DAN:  
Because we went with Seth to find him?

PRODUCER:  
We’re not Stefon’s parents. It’s not our job to watch his every goddamn move. And, because we decided to get more doc footage, we might get in trouble for it. We’re working outside of SNL, outside of weekend update. This is our company; our livelihoods are on the line here.

BOOM GUY:  
What about at NBC? At the studio?

PRODUCER:  
Uh- they’re all in a meeting right now, too.

CREW MEMBER #1:  
We were supposed to get information on the city correspondent, right? Stefon?

CREW MEMBER #2:  
Yeah, I’m kinda confused. We’ve bounced back forth from all these ideas, now it seems like there’s a big main conflict, like, was this planned?

PRODUCER:  
Just- just shut up. All of you. For, like, ten seconds.   
(They’re all quiet for a moment. The producer buries his head in his hands.)  
They can’t fire Seth, that’s a given, wasn’t his fault. They’re gonna fire Stefon, if anything.

DAN:  
You think so?

PRODUCER:  
We have absolutely nothing on the guy. Maybe him getting fired will knock him down a few pegs; maybe then, and only then, he’ll cough up and talk about his past.

DAN:  
The only way to get an emotionally vulnerable person to open up about their past is to remove them from one of their only positions with responsibility?

PRODUCER:  
What?

DAN:  
I mean, I saw Seth and Stefon talking outside of the club that night; they were talking about a lot of important things that audience members would probably enjoy. Stefon wasn’t just a character, he’s real, and he made some pretty reasonable points for probably being coked up and drunk. 

PRODUCER:  
(Turning to the CAMERAMAN.)  
And you didn’t get any of that?!

CAMERAMAN:  
I was on my way back to the studio with Seth’s car, I didn’t have time to sit around and listen to Stefon’s sob story.

PRODUCER:  
This crackhead is ruining the entire project. 

CAMERAMAN:  
I don’t think it’s ruined. We can still edit things in post.

PRODUCER:  
I guess so.  
(A beat.)  
Put that camera down, will you? Let’s just… figure a back up plan out.

(The CAMERAMAN lowers the camera, turning it off.)  
(The camera cuts to a dark screen that has “TWO DAYS LATER”. The scene cuts to SETH in his dressing room, reorganizing his desk. He’ll pick up something, examine it, then either set it somewhere on his table or throw it in a garbage bag. There’s a knock on the door, it’s JOHN MULANEY.)

SETH:  
Hey, what’s up?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Uhm- I just… I thought I should let you know, the executive team, the producers, uh- Lorne; we all decided to… let Stefon go.

SETH:  
What? They’re firing Stefon?

JOHN MULANEY:  
It was his third strike. He wasn’t gonna show up if it wasn’t for you and the camera crew, Seth.

SETH:  
So, what? Are they gonna kick him back onto the street?

JOHN MULANEY:  
That’s up to him, I guess. There’s not much else we can do.  
(A beat.)  
But- it’s no one’s fault. It’s his own.

SETH:  
Has he left yet?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Lorne broke the news to him. He’s not taking it well.

(The scene cuts to the outside of STEFON’s dressing room, and, on the inside, we hear him yelling. EX., “I’m not leaving!”, “I’ll call my lawyer!”, “I’ll sue!”, and, the scene cuts back to SETH and JOHN MULANEY.)

SETH:  
Yikes.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Yeah.  
(A beat.)  
I’d wait until he’s stable to say your goodbyes. Doesn’t help that we’re pretty sure he’s high right now.

SETH:  
Oh, God.  
(A beat.)  
What does this mean for weekend update?

JOHN MULANEY:  
We don’t have… an answer right now. We might just scrap the idea for this week, and- and reconvene next week and see what we should do, alright?

SETH:  
Is there any way to rehire him after? 

JOHN MULANEY:  
I don’t see him coming back anytime soon.  
(A beat.)  
I’m sorry, Seth. I gotta go.  
(JOHN MULANEY leaves, closing the door behind him. Seth stares at the mirror, letting out a breath. The scene cuts to STEFON in front of his dressing room, holding a box full of obscure objects. He takes the plaque with his name off of the door.)

STEFON:  
Well, shit.  
(A beat.)  
I didn’t see this coming. I was never one for foresite, but… Is that the word? I don’t fucking know.  
(A beat.)  
Maybe it’s for the best. I can finally experience N-Y-C in its entirety.  
(He goes to cover his hands with his mouth, dropping the box of his things on the floor. He makes a noise, looking down at the mess he’s made.)  
Shit. Well-

(LORNE MICHAELS opens the studio door, looking down at the mess of his belongings on the floor, then back at STEFON.)

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Hey, come on, Stefon- you have to go.

STEFON:  
I’m going, Lorne Michaels!  
(He bends down, collecting his things.)  
Fuck this place; wasn’t worth my time, anyway.

(STEFON leaves, slamming the studio door with his foot. The CAMERAMAN pans to SETH who is just turning the corner.)

SETH:  
Hey, uh… is Stefon still here?

CAMERAMAN:  
You just missed him, man.

SETH:  
Oh, I see.  
(A beat.)  
Well, I’ll talk to him later, I guess. Uh…  
(He clears his throat.)  
Excuse me.

(SETH pushes past, going to exit the studio. The next scene resumes when cut to SETH opening his apartment door, fiddling with the lock for a moment when he sighs, pushing the door open; it was already unlocked. He closes it behind him, and the camera pans SETH’s apartment, showing STEFON seated on the kitchen countertop, stirring in some substance in a small bottle into a cup of coffee, shown by the coffeemaker next to him boiling. SETH looks from the coffee maker to the mug STEFON is holding to STEFON, the camera showing SETH running a hand over his face.)

STEFON:  
Oh! Seth Meyers, hello, I didn’t think you’d be home so soon.

(SETH looks to the kitchen table, STEFON’s things scattered over it, only some still buried in the box. SETH walks over to the table as STEFON speaks, picking up a few of the trinkets over the table. Ex., the small china doll, a rubber band ball, empty plastic baggies with the labels scratched out, etc.)

SETH:  
I thought I told you, Stefon, you’re welcome anytime, just- please don’t use the key you found. It’s weird, and- and I can’t get the locks changed.

STEFON:  
(Still mixing in a heavy amount of the substance.)  
You’re so boring, Seth Meyers. You have more important things to be worrying about right now.

SETH:  
(Coming back into the kitchen.)  
Like what?

STEFON:  
You’re out of a co-host, for the time being, at least. 

SETH:  
Oh, yeah- I… I heard about that. I’m s-

STEFON:  
No need to be sorry, Seth Meyers, everyone saw it coming.

SETH:  
What do you mean?

(STEFON snickers, almost out-of-character, bitterly. He hops off the counter, handing SETH the mug, getting his own, already made.)

STEFON:  
Did anyone truly look surprised when they found out I was fired?  
(A beat. SETH doesn’t seem to know what to say.)  
Exactly.

SETH:  
I just… I figured, with some of the circumstances- like, the doc, you know? Maybe they would’ve been a bit more lenient.

STEFON:  
Well, they weren’t.  
(He takes a sip from his mug.)  
Doesn’t matter. I’ll consume myself with my studies, get the world under my control- all that fun stuff, you know.

(SETH sighs, taking a drink from his mug. He makes a face, but smiles and nods when STEFON looks at him. When STEFON looks away, he spits the concoction back into the mug, wiping his lips on the back of his hand.)

SETH:  
What’s… What drink did you make with my Keurig, Stefon?

STEFON:  
Oh, you know. Just some coffee to unwind.  
(A beat, SETH nods, nose crinkled at the bitter aftertaste.)  
A little vodka for some punch, some sugar- I didn’t put the fun sugar in yours.

SETH:  
Oh, thank God.  
(A beat. SETH sets his mug down.)  
So… what’s your plan?

STEFON:  
I’ve been in this industry for awhile, Seth Meyers. One of the things I’ve learned in the big apple is that you don’t normally have a plan. All I know is that you haven’t seen the last of Stefon; SNL hasn’t seen the last of Stefon. It’s never over for me.

SETH:  
It seems like it might… and, don’t take this the wrong way- like it just might, potentially be over. At least for a while. I mean- they’re really pissed down at the station.

STEFON:  
Well, cry me a river, build me a bridge, Seth Meyers.   
(A beat. He sits at the kitchen table now, taking a long drink from his mug.)  
I’d be asking you the same question, if I didn’t have manners.

SETH:  
I… I’m sorry?

STEFON:  
I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, Seth Meyers, but you’ve been rolling through co-hosts like a blind old white man rolls through throw away balls at a golf course. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got a cute face; but that doesn’t get you too far in the ‘biz.

SETH:  
Okay, well, at least I didn’t get fired, Stefon.

STEFON:  
Ooh, burned me real bad, Seth Meyers. Look, I’m so upset.  
(He takes a sip from the edge of his mug, making the same disgusting, loud slurping noise from the last time he was at SETH’s apartment. He sits there with a static face, legs stretching to rest on the table.)  
I can play that crowd like a fiddle Seth Meyers. Let’s face it- if it weren’t for your co-hosts, would your bit be as entertaining? I do my research, I’m good at my job-

SETH:  
Well, it’s too bad that you don’t have that anymore.

STEFON:  
What?

SETH:  
A job.  
(A beat.)  
I think you should go.

STEFON:  
Yes, yes- I think so, too.  
(He sets the mug down on the kitchen table, collecting his belongings.)  
Well, I hope to see that our paths cross again one day, Seth Meyers.

SETH:  
Yeah, be careful out there, Stefon.

(He walks STEFON out, closing the door behind him. STEFON opens his mouth to speak, turning around just as SETH closes the door. STEFON nods a bit, adjusts the box of his belongings in his arms, going to the elevator. He presses a button, getting inside. The scene cuts to STEFON trudging the streets of New York, attacking a trash can with a stick, shooing away rodents, like skunks and racoons, as his voiceover is heard over the action.)

STEFON:  
Yes, yes, yes- I have to say, it is a bit upsetting to leave on such a… sour note. That’s showbiz, baby. Like when I got kicked out of my first apartment. Well, it wasn’t an apartment; it was a motel that I snuck into and stayed in. I was in Cali at the time; I would charge five bucks a pop for people to come inside- like my own party. I never threw parties growing up; I always snuck in by myself. That doesn’t matter. Anyways, I would charge these people to come to these super secret fun parties. Like that club in Germany; you weren’t allowed phones to record or to take pictures. It was a little mysterious. I didn’t call myself Stefon in Cali; I didn’t really have an identity, just in case someone were to snitch.  
(A beat. STEFON eventually settles on a section of an alley, making it a bit comfortable by placing his belongings around it, his voiceover still heard.)  
And, of course, someone had to ruin it. People would be so buzzed or off their rocker high that they wouldn’t have remembered my name. And- I still remember- the police officers escorting me off of the property asked for my name. Guess what I said? I said- Oh, gentlemen. Me? Well-  
(STEFON climbs into a trashcan, closing the lid. We hear the last bit of his voiceover.)  
I’m the boss California.  
(End of scene.)

(The next scene comes up on SETH in his dressing room. The CAMERAMAN raises the camera to signify that he’s started recording.)

PRODUCER:  
How was your first week without Stefon?

SETH:  
Good, good- you know, we might not have consistent people and guests, but we do have enough to keep the weekend update going, you know.  
(A beat.)  
Why specifically about Stefon?

PRODUCER:  
Just asking. You guys seemed to have chemistry.

SETH:  
Maybe. I don’t know.   
(A beat. He begins packing his bag.)  
The only thing I do know is that weekend update isn’t going anywhere.

(As soon as SETH finishes speaking, JOHN MULANEY knocks on the door and opens it without an answer.)  
JOHN MULANEY:  
Seth?  
(He notices the camera and the crew.)  
Sorry. But- Seth, we need to talk.

(The scene cuts to the CAMERAMAN recording the scene from the crack of the dressing room door. JOHN MULANEY and SETH stand in the hallway.)

SETH:  
What’s up?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Well, we were talking in the writer’s room, and… about what sketches we should cut and what should stay, you know? And… weekend update is on the chopping block.

SETH:  
What? Why?

JOHN MULANEY:  
It hasn’t been as entertaining as it was in the past, I guess. You have different guests and stuff, but… it’s not getting enough traction to be anything… substantial.

SETH:  
So, what are you saying?

JOHN MULANEY:  
You have a job still, obviously. Different sketches and stuff, but… weekend update just might be cancelled.

SETH:  
Weekend update is one of the best parts of the show. You can’t just… cut it.

JOHN MULANEY:  
I’m just the messenger, Seth. If you wanna actually try and change the executives’ minds, you’re gonna have to talk to Lorne.

SETH:  
Yeah, yeah. Alright. I will, probably. Thanks.

JOHN MULANEY:  
I’m really sorry, Seth. It’s not you. Well…

(SETH walks away at that. JOHN MULANEY gives a silent nod before opening a studio door, leaving through it. The camera crew backs up a bit to let SETH back into the dressing room.)

PRODUCER:  
Everything alright, Seth?

SETH:  
Yeah, yeah, I’m alright.  
(A beat. He seems upset as he packs the rest of his bag.)  
Just… turn that camera off. Stop following me.

(The CAMERAMAN lowers the camera, and the screen goes black to show that the CAMERAMAN has stopped filming.)

(The black screen that comes up next reads “A MONTH LATER”. It resumes essentially where the documentary left off; in SETH’s dressing room. SETH is seated with his legs propped up on the table, throwing a small NERF football against the wall, watching it bounce, then catching it. He repeats it over and over again while speaking.)

SETH:  
What have I been doing at the show for the last month? Well, you’re pretty much looking at it. I’ve been helping write a bit more, but, without Weekend Update, I haven’t really been doing too much on the show, unless it’s a sketch or something.   
(A beat. He catches the small football, setting it down. He sits up straight, legs coming off of the table.)  
Uh… I haven’t spoken to, let alone heard of, Stefon in the past few weeks. I’m sure he’s doing fine. I hope he’s doing fine.   
(A beat. SETH overturns the football in his hands. He laughs quietly.)  
It’s weird. When you’re around someone for a little bit of time, you get attached, and… it’s weird when they’re not here, you know? We weren’t too close, I guess. I mean- I don’t know. It’s kind of like a break up; except the other person didn’t choose to leave. And- and that it’s not a relationship.  
(A beat. He scratches his chin.)  
I wonder what a relationship with Stefon would consist of. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s nice enough, but I can’t imagine introducing him to your parents, you know? It’s not my place to talk about his relationships, but… I wonder if he’s ever had one before. And- and, if he did, with who?  
(He runs a hand over his mouth, setting the football down on the vanity in front of him. He looks in the mirror for a moment when he sets it down, shaking his head a bit. He turns to face the camera again.)  
Well, I don’t know if he’s had a relationship before. Mostly because of…  
(He trails off, realizing their conversation on the curb was not documented, at least not to his knowledge, and that the information may be too intimate to share.)

PRODUCER:  
Because of what?

SETH:  
Because of… I don’t know. He seemed pretty involved in… working. Research for his clubs, you know. Plus.. uh… he’s a… druggie, yeah? I can’t imagine a druggie getting into a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand that stuff. He would need someone so boring to balance him out.  
(He chuckles again, scratches his chin, then looks at the crew.)  
You know what I mean. 

PRODUCER:  
Well, on the other side of that coin, Seth, uh… how have you been holding up without weekend update?

SETH:  
Again, lots of writing, uh, lots of background sketches. My other coworkers aren’t too torn up about it, but… they weren’t the host.  
(He chuckles bitterly.)  
If I’m being honest? I miss weekend update. I miss it a lot, and… I wish there was a way for me to get it back, you know? But… there’s probably not a chance of that anytime soon, unless I had some crazy idea to get it back.  
(A beat. He runs his hand back over his mouth.)  
Some crazy idea, with some crazy person, that might be just crazy enough to work.  
(A beat. SETH gets up abruptly, beginning to pack his bag, pulling on his coat.)  
Can we finish this interview later?   
(He hurries out of the dressing room, the camera crew follows him, trying to keep up.)

CAMERAMAN:  
Seth! Where are you going?

SETH:  
Where am I going? Where am I going? I’m gonna go find Stefon.

PRODUCER:  
There’s no way to find out where he is. You’re screwed from the beginning, man.

CAMERAMAN:  
Even if you do find him, what are you gonna do? He’s burnt his bridges at the studio already?

SETH:  
Haven’t thought of that part yet, but, when I find Stefon, our feet are back through that door.

(SETH gets in his car, driving off hurriedly. The CAMERAMAN pans to show the PRODUCER and some other members of the crew.)

CAMERAMAN:  
So… what does Seth’s big plan mean for us?

PRODUCER:  
Makes things a little more interesting, yeah? Let’s follow him. See what happens.

(End of scene.)  
(The next scene resumes in a dark club, the back of a man’s head focused on behind the bar counter, pouring drinks and polishing glasses. The camera approaches the man, and he turns around, showing it to be STEFON. He smiles at the camera, polishing a glass while he looks the camera over.)

STEFON:  
What a pleasant surprise, boys! What brings you to this club tonight? Didn’t take you guys for party people. Oh, but who am I to judge? What can I get for you guys? Drinks on me. I don’t have much money, but I’ll put it on the club’s bill.

CAMERAMAN:  
Oh, no, we’re here to ask you some questions Stefon.

STEFON:  
When I was fired, I thought it was kind of assumed that I would be left out of your shitty documentary, handsome.

PRODUCER:  
I… Well, no, just some follow up questions.

STEFON:  
Guess the club scene is pretty slow tonight. Alright, shoot.

PRODUCER:  
What have you been doing since you were let go?

STEFON:  
Hanging around, club hopping, drinking, smoking, all that fun stuff?

PRODUCER:  
You got a job?

STEFON:  
Multiple. This is my third day here. I’m quitting tomorrow.

PRODUCER:  
Why’s that?

STEFON:  
No offense to anyone who comes here, but this is the lamest fucking club I’ve ever seen in my entire goddamn life. Never much energy, nothing interesting. I need some spice in my life, not something boring.  
(A beat. He sets a glass down, popping open a bottle of vodka, taking a drink straight from behind the counter.)  
And I see all these couples come in for a fun date night, and all they do is dance and have, like, two drinks, and go home. The most interesting thing I’ve seen is people doing coke in the bathrooms. Nothing else. It’s so boring.  
(He takes another, longer drink. He puts the cap back on, rummaging through bottles to put it back. He takes one of the spray chords, holding it in his hand.)  
I’ve had little to no excitement here. At least weekend update gave me other people to be around that were interesting… Well. Some of them.   
(STEFON pressing the button on the back of the nozzle, spraying some alcohol from it directly into his mouth.)  
Mm- speaking of uninteresting bastards, how’s Seth Meyers?

PRODUCER:  
He was on his way to see you.

STEFON:  
(A hint of excitement in his voice.)  
Really?  
(A beat. He clears his throat, trying to change his tone.)  
Oh, really? After he just let them fire me?

PRODUCER:  
We’ll let him explain if he finds you.

STEFON:  
Good thing he won’t be finding me anytime soon.  
(A beat.)  
He has no clue where to look.  
(He looks a bit sad, the first time we’ve ever seen STEFON upset. His expression changes as quickly as it comes, as he shoots more of the alcohol straight into his mouth. He shakes the hair out of his eyes, putting the nozzle back away.)  
I bid him, and your doc, good luck, but I’d like to be left alone. It’s the end of a chapter, an era, and maybe it was for the best, okay? I’m not too torn up about it. Now, get lost.   
(He shoos the camera crew away, hissing when the PRODUCER doesn’t leave.)

(The scene cuts to SETH walking around the streets, wandering aimlessly.)

SETH:  
(To the camera crew.)  
It’s impossible. I don’t even know if he’s in New York anymore. He’s capable of jumping around wherever he wants. Who’s stopping him? Unless he’s not allowed to go somewhere… Actually, come to think of it, I think he’s not allowed in Arkansas. We can knock that one out then, there’s just… forty-nine more that he could possibly be in. Plus other countries. He could’ve bought a plane ticket…   
(A beat. He shakes his head.)  
No, no, I’m being ridiculous. The only problem is, I’ve been to every sleazy club in New York. Every place that I could find, every place that even existed. Unless he’s in some obscure club on the other side of the city, he’s not here.   
(He sighs, walking down the sidewalk, shielding his eyes from a glowing neon sign. He points at it, the camera panning up to show that the name on the front of the building is barely recognizable due to how weird the font is and how bright the neon lights are.)  
Of course.  
(He shows the bouncer his ID, going inside, followed by the camera crew who keep a safe distance. He goes inside the club, going to the counter. There is a new man working there, not STEFON.)  
Excuse me?

BARTENDER:  
Hey, what can I get for you?

SETH:  
Oh, no, I’m not here for a drink, uh… Does a Stefon work here? Stefon Zolesky?

BARTENDER:  
Yeah. He actually just went on his break.

SETH:  
Do you know where I could find him?

BARTENDER:  
He doesn’t usually wander; he’s only been here for a few days, uh… He should be out back. Probably smoking or on his flip phone. Odd guy.

SETH:  
(He smiles and nods.)  
Yeah, yeah, he is an odd guy. Thanks.  
(SETH leaves the club through a back door, pushing it open, seeing a few people, some smoking, others with bottles of beer, one on the phone, and STEFON holding a cigarette. He takes a long inhale, holding his flip phone with his free hand, seeming to be reading something. A few people re-enter the club, the person hanging up on their phone, going inside, eventually leaving SETH, STEFON, and the camera crew. SETH takes a cautious step towards STEFON, who is leaning against the back wall, one foot pressed flat against it, the other supporting his weight on the jank concrete.)  
Stefon?

STEFON:  
(Without looking up, almost sounding bored.)  
Ah, Seth Meyers. I heard you were looking for me. 

SETH:  
Yeah, I was. All night, actually. It’s pretty late.

STEFON:  
Exactly. Thought you’d be in bed with a copy of The Great Gatsby and a glass of milk by midnight, let alone three.

SETH:  
Yeah, well… uh, guess I just needed to see you. How are you doing?

STEFON:  
Let’s think about this one, Seth Meyers. I was fired from the only stable source of income that I had at the time, I did exclusively hard drugs at work, and my only friend stabbed me in the back and let me get fired. You didn’t even try to stop me from getting fired.  
(He turns his head to look at SETH. He looks much more tired than before.)  
So, how do you think I’m doing?

SETH:  
Stefon-  
(He approaches STEFON cautiously.)  
I didn’t know they were going to fire you. If anything, I thought they were gonna fire me. It was my fault that I was late, no one else’s. You may have not shown up, but it was my decision to leave the studio and find you.

STEFON:  
It’s not just that, Seth Meyers. Even after all of that, you never asked how I was doing. Not one text, not a call, not even a kick on a trash can to show that you were trying.

SETH:  
I’m… I’m real sorry, Stefon. Truly. I feel… awful about it.

STEFON:  
Are you sorry because you’re sorry, or are you sorry because there are consequences to your actions, Seth Meyers?  
(He burns the rest of the cigarette out on the wall behind him, throwing the butt onto the concrete. He snaps his flip phone closed, shoving it in his pocket. SETH stands there dumbfounded, watching him.)  
Sorry for serving you some harshbrowns without ketchup, I’ve been drinking a lot more lately, you know, working at a bar. 

SETH:  
You have every right to be upset.

STEFON:  
I know I do. That’s why I’m upset. I wouldn’t be upset if there was no reason to be upset. What a shitty way to spend your life; being upset over things that you shouldn’t be.   
(A beat.)  
You truly think I’d be upset if it were my fault? Well, I know it kinda was my fault, but you could’ve at least had my back. And- and now, you’re standing here, lying to my face that you’re sorry that this had to happen? Like that miraculously makes things better? You lied to my face and stabbed my back, so, now, my face and my back hurts.  
(STEFON stands up properly, and SETH stares at him.)

SETH:  
I needed to talk to you.

STEFON:  
About what? It better be something good. Your lame excuse of an apology is already making me feel like I’m gonna throw up. Or maybe that’s the vodka mixing with weed in my system. 

SETH:  
Well, uh… It’s about weekend update.

STEFON:  
What about it? I was only there every now and again.

SETH:  
Yeah, but, uh… It’s been struggling for awhile now, and, uh, they finally decided to pull the plug on it.

STEFON:  
Oh. I see.

SETH:  
Maybe they didn’t like the show set up, maybe they didn’t like some co-hosts, or…  
(He deflates a bit, leaning against the wall beside STEFON.)  
Or maybe it was me.

STEFON:  
Hey, you might be boring as all hell, have no real personality other than being a white business man- I mean, if you were a spice, you’d be flour… and- and maybe you-

SETH:  
(Interrupting him.)  
Okay, thank you, Stefon.

STEFON:  
Come on, Seth Meyers. You didn’t even let me finish. 

SETH:  
Every time I talk to you, I feel like you’re just going to insult me more.  
(A beat.)  
It would be nice if you could just say… one- just one, genuinely kind thing to me.

(STEFON rolls his eyes, slides down the wall to sit, and pulls SETH down with him afterwards. STEFON looks at SETH raising his eyebrows.)

STEFON:  
Seth Meyers, when all is said and done, your show wasn’t the best part of SNL. I think we can all agree on that. Maybe some of the jokes and cameos weren’t enough to keep it up and running. But you, Seth Meyers…   
(A beat. STEFON looks to SETH, and the camera pans to show SETH’s face.)  
… You are enough.  
(SETH stares at STEFON dumbfounded, his mouth opened slightly. He closes it, realizing he has nothing to say. The camera pans back to STEFON. He looks satisfied.)  
I know how much your silly bit means to you, Seth Meyers. And… I know how much it means to others. I mean, you’re not the only host, right? There’re a lot of other people who care about the show as much as you do. Maybe you care a little too much for someone who only appears every now and again, but that doesn’t mean you can’t care. Life is so much better when you don’t give a shit.   
(A beat.)  
When I was younger, my mom and dad used to joke about my intelligence. For good reason, I mean, you don’t see me crossing i’s and dotting t’s every day in a boring office, but- it still always sucked, and it gave my brother the biggest head. I used to care about it too much. I used to care about the fact that my parents didn’t accept that I was gay, I used to care that they didn’t care that I wasn’t going to college and was just moving out.  
(A beat. STEFON looks straight ahead, and SETH turns to face him, still listening.)  
But, when I left, and I had started partying and going out and forgetting everything other than having fun, that’s when I realized. I was on a weird trip when I went to bed one night, and this racoon and I were talking. That’s when I realized that it shouldn’t matter what other people think. Sure, I’m weird, kinda dirty, maybe I say inappropriate things once in a blue moon, but I’m… unique, I guess. I’m not like any other person in this world, you know? And no one else is like me, so… after all the shit I’ve been through, I’d call it a win.  
(A beat. STEFON smiles after a moment.)  
Maybe that’s something you need to learn before weekend update comes back and we have an occasional Seth Meyers cameo. That you’re the only Seth Meyers on the planet, and you shouldn’t give a shit about what other people think, and you shouldn’t give up trying to get that weekend update show back. You should march on down to that studio and demand they give you your show back.

SETH:  
I can’t just do that.

STEFON:  
You can’t, or you won’t?  
(SETH opens his mouth to speak, but closes it after a moment. He sinks back against the wall.)  
Exactly. And- Seth Meyers, I’ll follow your hunky ass to that studio.

SETH:  
What if they kick you out?

STEFON:  
What if they kick us both out?

SETH:  
They-

STEFON:  
They won’t kick you out?

SETH:  
I… I don’t know.

STEFON:  
Exactly! Stop caring so much, Seth Meyers.   
(He stands, extending his hand to SETH. SETH takes it, standing up.)  
The universe has a funny way of testing people to see how much they care. Sometimes you have to give the universe a big ol’ “fuck you” in order to move on Seth Meyers. And I think it’s time our Wonder-bread business man gets a little toasted, if you know what I’m saying.

SETH:  
That’s… That’s really smart, Stefon.

STEFON:  
You think so?

SETH:  
Know so. Maybe you’re a little too wise for a world that’s so incapable of hearing wisdom.

(STEFON pulls SETH into an obviously tight hug, the camera panning to show SETH’s face. He’s a bit stiff, but pats STEFON’s back awkwardly, smiling. They pull back after a moment.)

STEFON:  
Come on. Let’s go get your show back.

SETH:  
Oh, that’s another thing. You know why sometimes you were there, and other times you weren’t?

STEFON:  
I mean, kind of.

SETH:  
It’s technically… not my thing. There’s different hosts. Not just me.

STEFON:  
What? So I just pulled some sappy-ass speech to make you feel better for other people as well?

SETH:  
I mean, I feel great.

STEFON:  
That high ‘ll wear off soon.

(He hooks his arm around SETH’s. A police officer approaches the two of them.)

COP:  
You guys can’t loiter behind this club.

STEFON:  
I work here. I’m on my break.

COP:  
I don’t care. Get out of here.

STEFON:  
Oink oink, you bastard.

(STEFON drags SETH along, and the police officer scratches his chin, shrugs, then walks away.)  
(The scene cuts to SETH outside of the club, the focus in the foreground. The background is fuzzy, but we can make out STEFON arguing and taunting the officer.)

SETH:  
Yeah, I mean, I feel a lot better. And… if we can get a bit back and Stefon back, too, maybe this was worth something, at least.

STEFON:  
(From the background.)  
Seth Meyers!  
(He runs towards SETH.)  
We gotta go.  
(He gestures to the officer.)  
I think I’m gonna get myself arrested, and I’m really not in the mood to go back to jail today.

(SETH nods wisely, and gestures for STEFON to follow him.)  
(The scene cuts to the back studio door where STEFON and SETH stand.)

STEFON:  
Are you sure you wanna do this?

SETH:  
What do you mean?

STEFON:  
Drag me back into that studio after I was fired, I guess.   
(A beat.)  
This is your career, Seth Meyers.

SETH:  
Who cares about careers?

STEFON:  
Well, you do.

SETH:  
I do. But- that’s besides my point.   
(A beat.)  
This is the first time I’ve ever seen you the slightest bit uneasy.  
(Another beat. STEFON shrugs, running his hands over his face. He fixes his hair.)  
So? Are we doing this?  
(STEFON hesitates, but pushes open the studio door. As soon as the door opens, there's obvious pandemonium inside. People are rushing around, others are examining papers, checking their phones, all around freaking out.)  
What the hell?  
(SETH hurries over to JOHN MULANEY who is looking around nervously.)  
John, what’s going on?

JOHN MULANEY:  
Oh, Seth, this doesn’t look too good.  
(A beat.)  
The views for tonight were really… down. So many people are tweeting about how lack-luster the show was. I mean, personally, I thought some of my best writing came out tonight.  
(Another beat. JOHN MULANEY looks around again.)  
That’s besides the point. So many people are complaining, and, well, we’re nervous for the state of the show.

SETH:  
The whole show is in jeopardy?

JOHN MULANEY:  
I don’t know for sure, but this could be bad if we don’t nip it at the source. Are there any last minute skits you can break out to help us save this show?  
(SETH and STEFON exchange glances.)  
Your weekend update! Of course! Will you do it!

STEFON:  
(At the same time as SETH.)  
Yes!

SETH:  
(At the same time as STEFON.)  
No.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Oh, thank- hold on, Seth, what was that?

STEFON:  
What the hell are you doing?

SETH:  
Don’t you remember how they treated you? How they just… kicked you out. You never got any respect around here.

STEFON:  
That doesn’t matter right now, Seth Meyers. This is your whole career we’re talking about-

SETH:  
My career means nothing if I had to step on something to get where I wanted to be.

JOHN MULANEY:  
(Impressed, almost mesmerized.)   
Damn.

STEFON:  
Seth Meyers, I don’t give two shits about what people think of me. Didn’t we just talk about this? Was that just all for the cameras or were you actually listening?

SETH:  
Yes, I was actually listening, but I didn’t just listen- I heard you.

JOHN MULANEY:  
(Almost mind blown.)  
Holy shit, that’s good.

STEFON:  
I appreciate the sentiment, Socrates, but, Seth Meyers, you handsome man, you worms-for-brains-no-good-bastard, you need this. And- and if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me.

SETH:  
(After a moment of hesitation. JOHN MULANEY is shaking with anticipation.)  
Okay, fine.

JOHN MULANEY:  
(Relieved.)  
Oh, thank God-

SETH:  
On one condition.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Sure.

SETH:  
Stefon’s back on the show. He’s back until he decides when it’s a good time for his departure.

JOHN MULANEY:  
Well, I… I can’t make any promises. You know that I have to run that through the man upstairs.

SETH AND STEFON:  
(After a beat of hesitation.)  
God?

JOHN MULANEY:  
No, no, Lorne. He’s upstairs at the main stage.  
(A beat.)  
Just- look, I’ll put in a good word, but I can’t do much else.

(SETH looks to STEFON.)  
SETH:  
What do you think?

(STEFON fixes his hair.)  
STEFON:

Get us ten minutes with hair and makeup and an audience, and you’ve got it.  
(JOHN MULANEY is obviously relieved, and the scene cuts to blotched cuts of them preparing for an audience that is gathering. STEFON and SETH stand in front of a studio door after this montage)  
Isn’t it technically Sunday? It’s past midnight.

SETH:  
Huh. I guess so.  
(A beat.)  
Hey, break a leg out there, Stefon.

STEFON:  
You too, Seth Meyers.

(The camera pans to SETH walking out onto the stage, and there’s a countdown from the crew. SETH begins his usual monologue, introducing STEFON, who comes on as usual. The camera lowers down the desk into darkness, and the scene comes up backstage as an audience is applauding in the background. STEFON is seated on the floor, head in one hand. SETH is leaning against the wall drinking a bottle of water.)

SETH:  
Are you alright?

STEFON:  
Just a little rusty. And- by rusty- I mean I have the start of a killer hangover.   
(He pulls out a flask from his pocket, taking a long drink.)  
Haven’t had one of those in awhile; I usually get drunk before they can start.

SETH:  
How long has this hangover been building up?

STEFON:  
About twenty years.

SETH:  
I’m not sure that’s how it works

STEFON:  
No, that’s how it works.

(SETH nods slowly, feeling his phone buzz. He takes it out, scrolling through notifications.)

SETH:  
It looks like everyone’s missed weekend update- and us.

STEFON:  
I’m flattered.

(LORNE MICHAELS walks down the studio hall, backing up when he sees SETH and STEFON.)

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Perfect. Just what we needed.

SETH:  
I hope we didn’t cause too much trouble.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Not at all. Not now, at least. 

SETH:  
Really?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Really.  
(A beat. He looks to STEFON. STEFON hurriedly puts his flask away.)  
And you. I hear about your ultimatum.

STEFON:  
Huh?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
About how you’d do the show if they’d let you back.

SETH:  
That was my idea, not his.  
(A beat.)  
He shouldn’t get in any trouble over something I suggested.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
This isn’t grade school, Seth. This is work in the film industry.  
(A beat. He looks to STEFON.)  
If you keep up the… work, you’re back, okay? Just… don’t screw it up, got it?

STEFON:  
Sure. Crystal clear, boss.  
(He gives a half-assed salute.)

(LORNE MICHAELS begins to exit, but stops after a moment.)

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Meyers?  
(SETH looks up.)  
Good work, my friend.

SETH:  
Oh, yeah, of course. Anytime- er, thank you.

(LORNE exits.)

STEFON:  
Looks like daddy’s happy with you.

SETH:  
With you, too. And- please never call him that ever again.

STEFON:  
Noted.  
(A beat.)  
Well, now what?

SETH:  
Now things go back to normal.

STEFON:  
Will things ever be completely normal ever again?

SETH:  
You know, maybe it was a good thing this happened. I wouldn’t have learned all this stuff about you.

STEFON:  
Oh, we’ve barely scratched the surface, Seth Meyers, trust me.

SETH:  
Then I look forward to learning more.

STEFON:  
You do?

SETH:  
Of course I do.

STEFON:  
Oh.  
(A beat. He stands. The camera begins to zoom out from the long shot and the audio gets a little fuzzy.)  
Well, I can’t imagine you having too much to talk about.

SETH:  
I most certainly do!

STEFON:  
Like what? Like which Beatles’ song you listened to on your last Sunday afternoon? About which jelly you put on your toast?

SETH:  
First of all, Abbey Road and orange marmalade- I eat orange marmalade when I wanna feel something.

STEFON:  
When I wanna feel something, I-

SETH:  
I know, Stefon.

(The scene cuts to black.)  
(The black screen displays the words “5 YEARS LATER”, then cuts to a car pulling up outside of the studio. SETH is driving, and STEFON is in the passenger’s seat. They park, then both get out. STEFON shields his face with his hand, looking up at the building. He laughs to himself.)

SETH:  
I can’t believe it’s finally all over.

STEFON:  
It’s about damn time.

SETH:  
You’re not sad? At all?

STEFON:  
I don’t have time to be sad over this, Seth Meyers. I barely feel anything anymore.  
(A beat. He notices that SETH frowns. STEFON sighs.)  
Well, sometimes I do. There’s a lot of happy things for me to appreciate.

SETH:  
(He locks the car, adjusting his jacket.)  
Like what?

STEFON:  
You make me go through this all the time.

SETH:  
(Going to the studio door, holding it open for STEFON.)  
It’s never a bad idea to wake up with a daily affirmation, Stefon.

STEFON:  
God, I don’t know; er… a house?

SETH:  
Uh… are you forgetting anything?

STEFON:  
I didn’t think I’d have to remind my husband that he was important to me.

SETH:  
It’s nice to hear sometimes. Well, who am I kidding, it’s nice to hear all the time.  
(STEFON and SETH enter the studio fully, looking around the hallways. SETH’s voiceover is heard.)  
Yes, it’s true, it wasn’t just a marketing ploy. Er… Stefon and I got officially married, we have a house now, and…   
(The scene cuts to SETH, being interviewed.)  
Things are going great.

(The scene cuts to STEFON’s interview.)

STEFON:  
Oh, things are going just fine. The bed is much more comfortable than a trash can, I have to admit. I always forgot how comfortable it was; I slept in it once. When Seth Meyers was out of town, I had one of his keys… made a weekend out of it. It was like a five star vacation.

(Cut back to SETH.)

SETH:  
Yeah, well, Stefon’s still struggling with…  
(He drops his voice to a whisper.)  
… drugs-  
(He returns to his normal volume.)  
\- but he’s doing much better. I feel like it was important that we ended up together. I mean, my whole life I’ve been looking for the perfect person. Who knew that they would be only a few feet from you for a few years?

(Cut to STEFON.)

STEFON:  
I guess it’s a good thing Seth Meyers and I got together. I mean, if it weren’t for him, I’d be sleeping out in the streets of New York. He’s a little too cozy for my taste… but I’m getting used to it.

(Cut back to STEFON and SETH walking the hallways of the studio. They run into LORNE MICHAELS.)

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Well, if it isn’t the Meyers’. How are you two doing these days?

SETH:  
We haven’t been gone for long, Lorne.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Long enough for it to make a difference. It’s odd; don’t you remember when you two first disappeared? No one batted an eye. Now…. Now it’s like the world came crumbling down for a split second.

STEFON:  
A lot can happen in a split second, Lorne Michaels.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
I’m well aware, Stefon.  
(A beat. He looks the two over.)  
Why are you guys here?

SETH:  
Oh, we came to get the last bit of my stuff from my dressing room.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
I see.   
(He looks to SETH.)  
I hear you’ve got a talk show in the works?

SETH:  
Yeah, just… planning. Trying to get a headstart.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Well, good for you.

(There’s a beat of silence.)

SETH:  
Maybe if… you’re ever free for an interview?

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Not often, no, I’m not… but, we’ll see.  
(A beat.)  
But, Seth, if you ever need a place to come back to, you’ve always got us here.

STEFON:  
That’s very kind of you, Lorne Michaels.

LORNE MICHAELS:  
Er… you too, Stefon. You’re welcomed with… opened arms.

STEFON:  
Just what I wanted to hear. Now, we should get going.

SETH:  
Yeah, I agree. It was nice talking to you, Lorne. I’ll see you soon.

(LORNE MICHAELS raises a hand in a small wave. The scene cuts to LORNE MICHAELS’ interview.)

LORNE MICHAELS:  
If I had advice for the two of them?  
(A beat. He glances to the side, smiles, then looks back to the camera.)  
Don’t blink.

(The scene cuts to SETH getting the last bit of his things from his dressing room. STEFON’s voiceover is heard.)

STEFON:  
My name is Stefon Zolesky-Meyers… No, just Stefon Meyers. Yes, yes, yes, that sounds much better.  
(A beat.)  
I’m twenty…  
(He trails off.)  
Thirty…  
(A beat.)  
I was born.   
(Another beat. The scene cuts to the two saying some final goodbyes.)  
You know, sometimes I would question why I was born. Maybe this doc was my legacy, maybe that was my purpose- but even that doesn’t seem too right.   
(A beat.)  
That’s the weirdest thing about it all, because I still don’t… know. I mean, I kind of do, but not really. It’s all so… weird. But, I mean, weird is okay sometimes. If people weren’t as weird as they were, the world would be full of Seth Meyers-es. And, I mean, I guess he’s loosening up a bit. We’re getting there.  
(The scene cuts to STEFON and SETH going to their car, driving home, carrying things into SETH’s apartment.)  
Sometimes I think back to when I was a kid- so little and slimy and disgusting -and I wonder… what would little Stefon Zolesky think of me now? What would I tell him? Well, I know what I would tell him now. Be patient. Those steroids speed up time, so you don’t have to wait too long. Oh, and don’t worry about what your parents think, about what your brother thinks. You’re you, and it doesn’t matter how weird or odd or drug-addicted you are, you’re worthy of love even if you’re living in a dumpster behind a Wendy’s. Don’t worry about what other people think, no one needs to know anything about you for you to be incredible. That’s just the way you were hatched, little Stefon.  
(The scene cuts to STEFON’s interview.)  
Maybe I was just… born this way.

(The camera pans to show SETH next to STEFON.)

SETH:  
Are you serious? That’s what you wanna leave off on?

(STEFON laughs, running his hands over his face.)

STEFON:  
Oh, it’s too easy, Seth Meyers.  
(A beat. STEFON’s face lights up. He begins to tear off a mic pack.)  
We don’t have to wear your tapped wires anymore, dirtbags.

(SETH gasps, taking his off as well. They hand them to a crew member.)

SETH:  
I guess this is really it.

STEFON:  
Thank God. I’ve been on my best behavior for the past five years just in case you needed any other footage of me.  
(A beat.)  
You know, we never were told why we were chosen for your doc. 

SETH:  
Yeah, wasn’t there some crazy ultimatum that if this wasn’t incredible, you’d all get fired.

CAMERAMAN:  
Well, we…

STEFON:  
Nah, I’m kidding, I couldn’t care less.  
(A beat.)  
Well, c’mon, Seth Meyers, we’re done here.  
(STEFON begins to go inside their apartment.)  
Also, you guys are kind of the worst. You were never that nice to me… or Dan, for that. He’s the one that got the curb recording.  
(The camera trembles, almost as if it’s almost dropped.)  
You better give that fine-ass, catlike boy a raise, sweetheart.  
(STEFON goes inside.)

SETH:  
Sorry about that, but… I have to go support my husband. We look forward to seeing the doc. I mean, it’s been years. You’ve surely gotten way more information than necessary.  
(A beat.)  
Oooh, as long as you didn’t come on the camping trip. That was confidential business. Er… Goodbye!  
(SETH closes the door quickly, and the screen cuts to black.)

(The scene cuts to the front of the house. The CAMERAMAN knocks, and JOHN MULANEY opens the door.)

JOHN MULANEY:  
Oh, Jesus Christ, what more could you guys need?  
(A beat.)  
Look, I’m clocked out.  
(The scene cuts to a proper interview.)  
If I could give the two of them advice? Stefon specifically? Well, I’d tell him to be careful out there. But I think the two of them needed each other. They balance each other out well. I was never a big fan of that… opposites attract thing. I never thought it was a real thing, but… I guess they proved me wrong. Good on them. They seem happy, and that’s all that counts, right?  
(A beat.)  
They might be the weirdest match on this planet, but they sure are happy. That’s all you can ask for. And I’d say you’ve got a pretty interesting doc on your hands.  
(A beat.)  
I’m a little nervous to watch this when it comes out; I’m not ready to see it. It just feels like forever ago. It was weird, ugly, and confusing as hell. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it any other way.  
(The scene cuts to black.)

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> hi there!! thank you so much for reading. this is me and the co-author’s second screenplay, so check out “Working Boys” if you’d like to see more!!  
> check out our co-author’s art! @/porrkksoda on instagram!  
> that’s about it! thank you for reading :))
> 
> \- k :)


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